How often do we get into a discussion with someone who disagrees with us regarding doctrine or belief, and the conversation ends with an unproductive result? How many times has someone who is completely closed-off to anything you have to say choose to engage you in conversation? That can be so frustrating. People pretend to listen to you, but they really just want to tell you they hate your message or that they hate something about you or your beliefs. They play rope-a-dope for a while, just to ultimately throw a wrench into your system that causes confusion and chaos. Its a strategy sometimes from the beginning, some technique they have worked out and used many times in the past. Then sometimes people just get emotionally worked up and think to themselves, Im gunna set this guy straight. So weve got the impulsive people who just see something they disagree with and react, and then we have the premeditated people who are running around hitting everyone with their practiced routines and word-scripts. Either way, they neither really seem to get the point or hear the intended message. They just hear what they expected to hear; they dont see you for you. Its like their brains are on autopilot, or their defenses are so far up that they refuse to accept any new information. The whole conversation becomes misconstrued and taken out of context; and easy, short conversations turn into long, heated arguments. Its tough to deal with people who dont want to listen, and even tougher when we are also not listening to them. How many times have you had a conversation, even in typing, when an hour later the other person starts accusing you of saying things you never said? I know Ive had people accuse me of things online, as if we couldnt just re-read the comments and copy&paste the proof, but when confronted they end up realizing they just misunderstood and misread you, because they werent really listening. For many different reasons, everything they read and hear is through some kind of negative filter and the actual message you are communicating never gets through, even if it is as clear as black and white and documented in the text. And this happens in person as often as it happens in online, just online you can look back at exactly what was said and verify all claims. The dramatic, histrionic, or hyperbolic speakers tend to provoke this kind of difficulty in communication, either by attacking the teacher instead of the teaching, or by saying things like always every time everyone never and other absolutes that spark a reaction. But sometimes, its just little things we add to our position, in the way we speak, that set others off. For instance, saying things that are intended to one-up the other person or when we are fighting back what we perceive as attacks against our character or personal life. Its pride, right? We dont want to look stupid, so we scramble around trying to save face and seem smart or educated. We use all sorts of things to fuel this pride. We tell ourselves that the other person crossed the line, or that we must defend this particular truth, or that we cannot allow the other person to gain traction lest they mislead the masses, or that we cannot allow the other person to go unanswered; but it is all really just us filling our lust to be right or to win an argument - as if the world depended on our finishing with the last word or winning a particular argument. How should we handle these debates that seem to be going nowhere? What should you do when someone completely misinterprets everything you say and accuses you of many things you never intended? Should we strike at their character and discredit their claims? Should we defend ourselves and maintain our reputation? I am learning more and more that patience and remaining quiet in these situations is far better than getting into a deep discussion. Once the communication is breached it seems to only get worse. I am learning to just stop any conversation that I would consider pearls and work solely on building a relationship with that person before I get my feelings hurt. Its better to stop, cool off, and just try to be friends with the other person and avoid the defensive and offensive battles. If a person just is mean, or doesnt like you, or hates your doctrine, or has bad intentions, or has somehow been offended by you, then having a formal discussion about your most precious beliefs is just going to make matters worse and give everyone the fuel they need to be offended and hurt even more. Instead, try sending an inbox and just reaching out to the other person as a human being. This hurts your pride, by the way. Youll feel that burn the first few times as you send a message to the offending person and say, Hey, sorry if Ive offended you in some way. Is there any way that we can reconcile this and become friends? Yeah, thats not easy. Its hard to humble and actually try to build relationships, especially with those you disagree with on a serious level. But the truth is that people are far more likely to hear your message for what it is meant to be, if they like you. If a person doesnt like you, you can tell them about anything and theyll toss it out. So my advice is to make it personal, search out the objections and offenses, and try to establish a real relationship between you and the other person before you engage in a truth war. Be the first person to reach out, and boast in your care for them, instead of your vast knowledge and wisdom. If you cannot distinguish that there is a clear line of communication, then there is something blocking it. Build the relationship, take the first step at being friendly, and get an open line of conversation; even with that guy who just pops up on you Facebook wall and disputes everything you believe in. Send him an inbox. Thats my advice - make friends in love with Christ as your driving force.
Posted on: Sat, 09 Nov 2013 22:19:02 +0000
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