I adore this man....he has the biggest heart and I have had the gift of sharing the dance floor with him...You always amaze me Daniel Snyder....but this openness and raw heart amazes me more....I completely understand this darkness and could feel your depth of love and growth in this letter....thank you for being you...for as you share...it heals others...this is the power of community...xoxo...see you soon my friend! Note: all experiences of life are opportunities to learn, discover, and grow-the- heart. this is a story with a good ending...it has been 25 years since i struggled with intense feelings of self-destruction. through the love of friends, and gifted therapists, i unwound the deep confusions of the little boy who, today, lives in my heart safe,happy, and protected. my impulse to share is sparked by the grief i have felt over the loss of Robin Williams.... i didnt have alot of time with my mom, Betty Rose. she died of a undiagnosed massive, slow-growing brain tumor found at the base of her pituitary gland that had never been discovered until her autopsy. she first got sick when i was 4 months of age (Cheryl was 2 and Steve was 3 years old) complaining of severe headaches and saying that she thought she had a brain tumor. her illness was misdiagnosed as an emotional and psychological problem and she was given electric shock treatments. she was sick as long as i can remember; she was a woman who never had a chance in many ways....and i loved her deeply. THE CONFUSIONS children have magical thinking and its what gives a child hope when he/she is separated from a parent : as a little boy, i believed that i had caused my moms problems and that i could uncause them and get her back; believing i caused her problems was better than feelings of the emptiness and fear of being in the world without her. A SELF-DESTRUCTIVE IDEATION i struggled with suicidal thoughts from my teen years till i was 34 years old. some of my memories: holding a knife and obsessing for hours about stabbing myself when i was a teenager, a friend forcing the broken- glass from my hand when i was going to cut myself at 24; an overdose of pills; days of obsessing about ending my life ....and coming close but pulling back from the brink when i thought how it would destroy my family. i felt that i was in a swirling pool that was sucking me down and that it was only a matter of time till i crossed the line.... i began a long journey of self-discovery to save my life; i went to live in the Findhorn community in Scotland for months at a time (i knew i needed to simply be around people and that gave a sense of safety) and from there journeying to Esalen Institure where i lived; i was going back to dallas to work just to make money to keep going. and from Esalen i found the Ark experience.... and i was working intensely to unwind the confusions.....discovering Jungian sand-play therapy, gestalt sessions, primal therapy, and dream work. i realized that i had a very injured child within me that i was committed to and would not give up on. i realized i had a child who had a story to tell and that he needed to be heard. i met the most amazing people during this time, some life-long friends now as we journeyed together on this sacred path to move beyond our injuries... THE MENDER-OF-WINGS... Bill, an old Jewish mensch and psychologist, called himself the mender of wings and that he felt when he helped someone heal themselves and continue their life journey, he would fly with them going forward. he stayed with me for 72 hours as my self-destructive feelings gained hurricane-force winds. i was 34 years old and felt i could not tolerate these waves-upon-waves of wanting to hurt myself. he told me that it was something you have to go through and that he was there for me every moment. for 2 days i did not, and could not, sleep or eat. PARADOXICAL FLIP ill never forget the moment imprinted forever in my memory: i was taking a bath the morning of the third day of this watch and thinking, what is underneath these horrible feelings....what is worse than the idea of killing myself? and it came forth, the words that i had spent my entire life avoiding.... MOM IS DEAD AND SHE IS NOT COMING BACK... these were the words that a the little boy living within me would never believe. this part of myself had never accepted my moms death, because he felt too young to survive and live without her...that the world was too scary without her. these words opened the door for me to fully grieve my moms passing....these words opened the door for me to learn to parent and love this vulnerable part of myself. and, i learned that i had not caused any of moms problems and i no longer needed to hurt myself in any way. A FINAL NOTE.... i cannot speak for others who have struggled with suicidal impulses, i have my story but each story is different and to be respected. i feel the deepest compassion, and tears, for those who wrestle with this, and the most compassion for those who act on these impulses; and those who take their lives are innocent....they are worn out with the pain. every candle in Heaven is lit for them, to hold them in the most loving and tender way in the midst of their agony. Those who end their lives have a special place in the Heart of God....a place of peace, a place of understanding, a place where the innocent can be safe. Kyrie Eleison Kyrie Eleison Kyrie Elieson -Danny
Posted on: Sat, 16 Aug 2014 03:51:18 +0000
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