I am going to start making more conscious decisions when it comes to my physical and mental well-being. A lot of people look at me and think Im all sunshine and rainbows but really those subtle notes of weirdness, accidentally saying things out of place: thats me crying out for help. I dont like admitting that Im weak. Even after reading this if you asked me I would tell you how mentally strong I am and how much of an idiot you are for asking the question. But without sounding typical as hell, the things I have seen and have had to go through are more than enough for two lifetimes and it has shaped me accordingly. Im not going to recount my whole life story. A few of you reading this already know it. But I remember one day, just under a couple of years ago, I went to visit my mother who lives 2-3 hours from my home. And in a phase of drugged stupor she said something to me. Youre a lost cause, Ben. No hope. To the letter. That is a pretty severe kick in the teeth. My own mother. It doesnt matter that she was under the influence, the fact those words came out of her mouth were enough for me to sink. Slouch. Fall into that same old cesspool of negativity that so many people are trying to crawl out of. It feels absolutely pathetic. To not be able to commit to anything, to have no motivation to do anything. To have to constantly rely on being around friends to keep even remotely afloat. I have no mental independence anymore and I havent had for such a long time. Im an overweight, ridiculously stressed nineteen year old and if I dont clean up my act I am going to be nineteen with my bones decaying in the dirt. I am going to share this to a public domain, which is my Facebook. For my friends to see but also as a constant reminder that Monday, the 29th of September, 2014 is the day I started changing, for good. Im going to make myself better. I am going to try my hardest and I dont want help. I need help but I dont want help. I want to prove to myself that I am capable of commitment. I am capable of being better and I am capable of being a good person. But most of all, I am capable enough to share my journey with you all. This isnt going to be easy by any means. But if youre reading this youre probably one of my closer friends or a family member. And I think if you know whats going on with me at the moment it will be easier for me to become more independent. To my friends and family who have stuck by me though up until this point, you have my thanks. Because I doubt it has been easy. My name is Benjamin John Fleet. And starting today Im going to try and be a better person.
Posted on: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 02:14:09 +0000
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