I didnt know what it was, I still dont. I repeatedly tried in numerous ways to express what I was feeling as I was feeling it. It seemed that every-time I tried, I just succeeded in pushing what I wanted further away. I know I made many mistakes along the way. Not out of nastiness or evilness, but just because I didnt know what I was doing. Having never been in that position before, I was trying to learn as I went. Ive always known I was broken or faulty in some fundamental way, that I was unable to just be a normal person. But then it seemed for a short while that that didnt matter so much. It seemed that I could be liked for my quirky strangeness, not just despite of it. The more I felt like that, the more I opened up parts of me that I have always kept hidden. I tried to play by your rules, at the speed that you initially dictated, but also at the speed I felt would be best for you, considering the situation you were going through. How was that so wrong? How was that so bad? You complained that I went too fast, then you complained I went too slow. Did you ever consider actually jumping into the stream with me, rather than just barking orders from the side line? Why then at that point did I have to jump through your imaginary hoops, in order to restore you to me? You took my quirks, you took my strangeness and you made a game out of them in order to drive me insane. You made me into a fool, a court jester for you and god knows who else to have a good laugh over... I really didnt see that coming. To take my secrets and use them to beat me over the head with them. I dont understand you, I obviously never even understood the slightest part of you. I may not know much else, but I do know I tried to go with my feelings, and tried to enjoy the ride. I wasnt working off a checklist of - now this must happen, now that must happen... I went with my flow of feelings and in return I ended up with smoke and mirrors. Life is strange and I dont think I will ever understand people.
Posted on: Sun, 23 Mar 2014 16:24:58 +0000
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