I dont normally post things like this on Facebook. If I shared all of my deepest, most personal thoughts, here, I wonder how youd respond. You might respect me, you might unfriend me, you might do nothing. To be honest, I dont feel this is the place to do anything like that at all. The proper setting for those sort of conversations would be a doctors office. And when I say doctor I am referring to a counselor. The truth is that at the age of fifty one, I am quite frankly burnt out. I mean completely. I do have the occasional burst of creativity, and I readily share them here. Not just to show off, mind you, but to remind myself. Those creative moments are now fleeting and become quite the exception, no longer the rule. It has become this way in all aspects of my life. Ive had two failed marriages, a string of bad, poorly thought out relationships. I have no children. I stress out too easily these days. Most days, I feel horribly numb. Those breaks in the monotony that my life has become are always welcome spots of sunlight. But I feel like most of the light in my life has burnt out, gone dim. There are some of you whove had great success turning your lives around, and I have watched, somewhat in envy, from the sidelines. I would never begrudge you what you have won and accomplished. In truth, my greatest asset is my curse, my undoing, and that is that I think too much. I pay too much attention at times, and have watched events unfurl before my eyes, only to be stunned by them. It is as if youre watching a movie and want to yell at the actors; whatever you do, dont open that door! Dont go into those woods alone! Stay away from that person! The problem is, of course, that this is reality. You cannot stop the moment from occurring, the events from happening, these are not actors but fellow humans and there may or may not be a happy ending, only more reality. Am I sad about the world of the second decade of the 21st century thus far? Absolutely. In fact, I am remarkably depressed by them. Weve had the ability to correct so many of societys ills yet instead seek to punish the weak and the vulnerable; demonize them, instead of the problems. We could have so many more great achievements, but instead pull back, as if we have lost our nerve. The world should be a lot better. It isnt, because fixing those problems might mean changes by many who fear them, compassion by those for whom it is an alien emotion, and actual investment by those who hold the reins. The world, instead of becoming a more wonderful place, has become a meaner, more hostile place. We embrace social Darwinism while calling ourselves religious or caring. So, you see, it isnt just my life that has beat me down. Its the fact that I pay too much damned attention and am sickened by what has happened to the world. I always felt that I was born to do something important; maybe it was from hearing that told to me when I was a child, and unknowingly, buying into it. Ive always felt that everyone of us has it within ourselves to do great things. What Ive seen instead is failure. It breaks my heart. And, taken as a whole, has crushed me.
Posted on: Tue, 03 Dec 2013 18:51:30 +0000
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