I feel lost........hopeless........i am trying so hard to find myself in who i am instead of what i am. All my life i was defined by what i am instead of who. There are times when i look at myself i see a piece thats missing and a piece i just cant plain see. I already found the piece of me that was missing (someone very close and unique) but i need help in finding out what the piece that i cant see is. Maybe itll tell me who i am.........maybe.........i hope to discover it soon because i cant be myself if i cant see that blind side of me.----i wish i was dead !!!!!!!!! :( ------Im sorry im not perfect but please love me for who i am not what defines me. Please be patient with me for i am hurt and i cry............i just want someone that i can trust and love whole heartedly. I am sad for i dont know who i am and i am scared that i will wind up alone forever. I am hurt for being lied to for 18 years by supposedly good people that acted like they cared and didnt........im torn and angry and hurt........all i want is to know i can trust someone again that i know can fill the open part of me. I am trying to learn how to trust God again............so please forgive me for me trying to find myself and trying to be me :( :( :(------Im not worth saving I cant be forgiven I dont deserve to live, im only a headache always doin sumtin wrong. Ill never get it right----A second to cherish, a minute to give; an hour to love, a life time live a life filled of memories precious to our hearts, memories that fill our hearts with love, life and meaning. Memories made by loved ones and that special person that dedicates all their own precious life time being there for you no matter what. In your happiest moments and your darkest times.i have gone through life wondering where and when would I ever find the true love I sought for for so long. As time came and went loves came but didnt satisfy the love I only new and sought for that would one day fill this hole I bear in my heart and soul. Time came and went and I lost hope. I grew cold and hard as time came and gone. Would I ever find the love im seeking so desperately for or would I leave this earth leaving nothing worthy of legacy? I desperately cried out to God to help me find this true love that would keep me in the love and tenderness of Gods loving arms. Until one day this beautiful child of God comes my way. I was scared and my soul was dieing. I had no hope left. She saw the hurt and the pain I had in me and even tho death had me in his grip she fought for me with all she had knowing the pain it would cause she fought to the end.............finally I was alive again I had the light that I once carried proudly in battle and search in finding the love I earnestly sought for. But death yet wasnt through with me yet. He started oppressing me and harassing my beautiful girl knowing full well he can try getting in again.......but through the strength of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ I will fight for the people........and answer the calling God has placed in my heart and life. I owe my beautiful fiancé a great amount of love and thankfulness. I have finally found the true love Ive been searching for. She has been there through thick and thin. I love you Corinna Alvarez with all my heart and will never let you go. You and God have both filled my heart with the love I sought for. And I could never have asked for a better girl to share it with than you. We will face happiness and hardships but nothing will ever not ever tear me away from you. You have proven to me that you love me no matter what. You loved me for who I am and not what I am defined by. I am yours till death do us part. I love you Corinna Alvarez and it will fight for you and our future together. I hope you are happy my baby girl because like I am all Gods I am also all yours. I love you Corinna and am very appreciative towards you being there. You have been that special part of me that never gives up and is willing to fight no matter what. I will always remember you by the memories we both will make together as a friend,fiancé, hopefully soon to be wife to cherish and to hold very dearly in my heart till the day I step foot in heaven. Then to be there together forever.....I have spoken and that will be what I will forever love for as an encouragement and a legacy to make to all those who are desperately searching for the one true love that will accept them for what they were created to be and to reach out to others I will one day meet.....I will forever stand in unity with God in as me being his child and Corinna being my one and only true soul mate I will be with forever and ever --------anything sound familiar????? I imagine alot does. We all go through heartache and pain along lifes journey. I can attest to it.I have been raised in an abusive home to where everything and anything i ever did was either not good enough, or wrong. I was given the impression that i didnt deserve to live and that i wasnt worth living because i caused so much heartache and stress. I was always patronized by this shapeshifting demon that i always took to being a death angel was actualy not and that he always told me im never good enough and he had tried many of times to make me end my life because i have often woke up and found myself with either my head busted open or my wrist cut..........often times I would hear God calling out my name telling me when i would be in my lowest times that I am here and am trying to give you the oportunity of acepting my gift of salvation. you dont have to struggle and fight with the demon any more. You are, were and always will be loved by me. i often told him, Im not good enough i make to many mistakes why would you waiste your time with me when i make a huge mess all the time and it seems nothing goes right. i cant do anything wright. Id always believe the demon because i thought it was true. days came and went and my heart and soul were growing colder and harder. I had moved to Phoenix arizona on february 18th and arrived on the 19th to be with my biological family because things with my adoptive parents just got out of hand and i couldnt deal with it any more. back at the end of May into early June i had just recently broke up with my last ex.........i had already made up my mind that I would never date again.........and i was drifting farther and farther away from God. Until June 25th or somewhere along in there on a Wednesday, I met someone that........just..... seemed different...........i asked God one day after we first dated is she the one? and he replyed In time you will know...............and i said if she is God, please let her be the one that will one day help me draw back to you and stay close to you. Because i still wanted to accept God because he saved my life in an 18 wheeler accident that i should have died in but didnt. Well anyways time came and went and me and my hopefully soon to be fiance, corinna drew closer together and the demon got angrier by the day...............little did I know i would soon find out a rude awakening..........one day after my biological mom wound up in the hospital i got into a fight with her fiance who threatened to hit corinna and also tried strangeling me and i left the house choosing to be homeless and was living in my car from that day forward........had completly hit rock bottom. I cried out to God begging him to help me...........i asked Corinnas mom if it were possible for me to go to their church because i was longing to hear from God and it was tearing me up inside............it was the most dreadful quiet i ever herd from him.............i thought i was done theres no hope its time for me to just rid me of myself...............but God was there working in my life little did i know by showing me every day to day events to be thankful for and that without him i wouldnt have made it and that the only reason he stayed was because he lovd me..........not knowing this i was still fighting with the demon day in and day out..........i had visions of him telling me you are going to loose her too i will be sure of it.....finally one day i spoke to the pastor on how to get rid of the demon...............and little did i know that God planned this out. He asked me if i had ever received Jesus as personal Lord and Saviour i told him bout the time i once did and i just suddenly stopped and thought wait what if im not truly saved and i thought i was.................how could i think i was when i should know you may ask?????? well heres what happened.............the first time i assumed i received Jesus as Lord and Saviour i didnt fully understand what it ment ot be saved and i wasnt told what i needed to know and understand to get to that point..........all i did was repeat what someone told me to say and that was that.........God finally convenced me it was finally time after i finally understood what it ment and when God taught me the things i already knew but didnt understand............i suddenly felt as if God was there telling me these things.........he said my dear son i Love you........I want you to know that.........and i want you to come back ......you dont have to struggle because i have forgiven you........you are worth me giving my life to save you because i love you......if it were not true would i have come to show you the way and then to be flogged to be spat on and to be crucified in the place you should have been at???.........I Love you my precious child you mean everything to me.........i gave my only son to save you from eternal seperation from me.........i am offering you the chance to come home again for i am here to receive you back into my arms again..........do you accept my offer dear one????.................i got so emotional to the point tears were streaming down my face and i felt like it was true that i was cared about and loved as being me and not being defined by what i have done or said....................with tears streaming down my face i prayed and accepted Jesus Christ as my Personal Lord and Saviour for sure this time and i feel like a humungus weight was lifted off my shoulders...........Now i can surly say my life is changed and when i falter i will be forgiven because i am a child of the most powerful most high but also the most tenderloving and caring God in the universe and in time ever known.........Thankyou Jesus for saving my life and giving me a second chance......thankyou baby (Corinna Alvarez) for being there no matter what and loving me no matter what and thankyou Pastor Christian for helping me to be able to see the gift fully and knowing what it truly means and being able to know i CAN accept it because its is from a loving God. So dear friend I want u to know life isnt perfect and so r we. We each have our ups and downs. But remember. Its not the heartache or downfall that determines ur strength it wen u get back up and press on there is hope you can find
Posted on: Mon, 24 Nov 2014 00:55:38 +0000
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