I got married two months after I graduated from high school to a man I thought I loved. We had been married for almost two years when we had our little girl on January 17, 2008. She was perfect and she was my whole world. Having her made my sad excuse for a marriage bearable. We had no complications, no problems, 14 weeks and 5 days later my husband and I were sleeping and I woke up in the middle of the night. I looked at the clock, 3:14am. She should have been awake and wanting a bottle, but there was no noise from her adjoining room. I woke up my husband and asked if she had woken up and I somehow had just slept through her. He said no, and he sat there listening. I went to get up and he put his arm out stopping me. He grinned and said she is sleeping through the night I smiled at this but went to get up again he stopped me again and said just leave her, you know that as soon as you push the door open shes going to sense you or smell you or something and she is going to be up the rest of the night So I stayed. I laid there listening for her for awhile but I guess I had to have dosed off, I woke up and looked at the clock it was 5:37, I felt like there was just something wrong. I got up and went in, and there she was, her little lips were blue, and she wasnt breathing. The paramedics came and took her away. I remember sitting there crying and rocking as the doctor told us she had passed and then began asking every question imaginable; about her, me, her father, our families, and for permission to preform an autopsy. They declared the cause of death was SIDS. I feel so unbelieveably guilty, was she still alive when I woke up the first time, if I had gone in and gotten her up to feed her, would she still be alive? We buried her on May 4, 2008. My became so depressed that I quit eating and talking and my marriage just kept getting worse, it was becoming physically violent, not just verbally, so in January of 2009 when I found out I was pregnant again, I was overjoyed but scared to tell him, and I didnt. The end of February I found out he was having an affair and we got in a fight, that resulted in me being kicked in the stomach. I lost the baby. I took off of work, without him knowing and went to the dr. I was 11weeks and 1 day and a d&c was scheduled, I went to it, alone. unfortunately not all of the baby was removed. I stayed with my husband for another 8 abusive months, my health continued to decline and he couldnt care any less and continued on with his affair. I began having complications the end of october and went to the dr. I had blood work, tests, scans, and a multitude of other things done and finally we discovered that what was left of the baby had caused a massive infection. I left my husband in November of 2009, and in December of 2009 had a partial hystorectomy, resulting in one of my ovaries and tubes being removed as well as part of my uterus. The divorce was final in March of 2010, and I had given up all hope of ever being a mommy again. I was so broken and depressed I had just become numb to all emotion. I finally got angry and grieved and began getting my life back in order and I met my boyfriend in 2012. He helped me feel almost normal again, bringing me back slowly and never letting me think I was less of a person, and reminded me how wonderful love can be. He was my saving grace. Thinking as I did that I couldnt have another child we didnt worry about protection, in March of 2013 we found out we were pregnant. After a few scares along the way we were given a beautiful little girl on November 27, 2013. She is my rainbow baby. I cant thank God enough for sending me my boyfriend, he has been my light and my anchor, and he has given me something none of us ever thought I would be able to have. A second chance; at being a mommy and a second chance at love. They are my everything and even though I still grieve and hurt for my two lost babies, I know they are in heaven watching over me and their sister, and the man who saved their mommy.
Posted on: Thu, 23 Jan 2014 19:57:23 +0000
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