I had a revelation not too long ago, which (until now) I had only shared with family and close friends. I feel the desire to share here, as I know some follow because of losses they have experienced. I hope, by sharing my revelation, it inspires others to think more broadly of life and the effects our lives have on, not only this life, but the next ... My mother passed away this past May. She had suffered with MS for a very long time and was in a very bad way. As I sat by her bedside during her departure from this earth (unfortunately, it was more drawn out and painful than I would wish upon anyone) I had the opportunity to ponder life. (The Lord has granted me many an opportunity to do this the last few years.) I began to think back to the first indication of issues with Vivian. So many of our family started praying. Im not talking about nightly prayers kind of praying, Im talking about full blown engagement of monks and nuns kind of praying. I guess I should caveat that statement by saying I have a cousin I am very close with who is actually an Orthodox Monk/Priest. Regardless, everyone close to me began their own daily ritual of prayers for Vivian. Even those family, friends and co-workers who had given up on the belief of God or never believed to begin with. My mother was one who had, due to her own struggles in life, questioned the church. It was only through Vivian that she allowed her faith and closeness to the church to be renewed. During Vivians struggles, my mother began reaching back out to the church, so much so that in the end, she was buried at an Orthodox monastery (anyone who knew my mother just had their mind blown, but it was of her own choosing). Now lets step back about 20 years. One of my favorite cousins decides to become an Orthodox monk and, due to my own insecurities, I lose the ability to be able to talk to him like a cousin. I am so nervous to speak with him, we lose contact completely. About 7 years later, he reaches back out to me and ask that I visit the monastery. I have unused vacation, he happened to call when I was in a sure, why the heck not kind of mood and I book my flight for the following weekend. I am so amazed by the monastery; the kindness I experience and the peace I felt while in the monks presence, I start badgering my siblings to go for a visit. Now, I realize how insane this sounds to those who are not devout religious types. My siblings and I grew up Orthodox, attended church weekly, my mother was a Sunday school teacher, father on the perish council; then we leave for college and Sundays become no longer the day for church, but a day for additional sleep. Needless to say, my siblings thought I was bonkers. Over the last 13 years, I have tried to entice my siblings into a visit to the monastery, but life happens and no one had the additional vacation to wander off to some monastery 1/2 way across the country at the urging of their over zealous sibling, so my requests went unfulfilled. Not until my mother passed away and was buried at the same monastery I had been urging my siblings to visit, did they finally visit and feel a bit of the peace I had been attempting to share with them. I know this is a very lengthy story, but bear with me a bit longer while I tie this all together … Fast forward to the last days of April 2014. I’m sitting in hospice with my mother and siblings watching nuns pray over my mother; seeing my siblings connect with the clergy and the nuns, finding a level of peace (if only for brief moments in time) that I imagine is only bestowed upon those who devote their entire lives to Christ and experience on a daily basis. It is then that I realize this all began with Vivian. It was through Vivian that I truly regained my connection with God, not just saying prayers but meaning them. It was Vivian who brought my mother back to the church. It was Vivian who opened the minds and hearts (if only temporarily) of those who had lost (or not had) faith in God; enough to pray to Him for Vivian. My mother opening her mind and heart back to the church allowed my siblings to finally travel to the monastery for her burial and feel the peace for themselves and once again open their minds to the abilities of prayer and God. It all started with my brave, darling little girl; who, while we thought we would lose her in utero, lived nearly 9 months. She fought each and every day of her existence to make the opportunities I wrote about possible. In my eyes, Vivian was a vessel for God. God used Vivian to provide an opportunity to everyone she touched to renew their faith in Him and be provided an opportunity of life eternal. I have read a few books that have opened my mind to alternate possibilities of our roles on this earth; in the end it seems it all comes down to choices. We can chose to be happy, we can chose to love, we can chose to support one another (obviously you all are on this page to offer your virtual support, which I will be forever thankful and indebted for), we can chose to believe in the humanity of others, it’s all about choices. I believe God has also offered us a choice and I’m choosing to believe Vivian was a part of that choice. Whether that is “real” or not, who knows; but it was a revelation that warmed my soul during a desperately low point and it’s something I choose to hold onto; if for nothing else, the feeling that my daughter made a difference. That Vivian’s life was not only about suffering, but about love, opportunities and choices. Thank you all for continuing to support me through this page, for helping me grow as a person and for loving my daughter
Posted on: Mon, 20 Oct 2014 04:19:29 +0000
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