I have never been the smartest kid in school, the most attractive girl in the room, the best cook on the line, or the best at anything really. For a long time thats what I tried to be though. It took me a long time to learn that life isnt about all that. I accept that I will die still having a lot to learn, that I am not a pretty girl, that Im clumsy and lacking in the kitchen, that Im awkward to converse with, and that Im not very good at most of the things I try to do. I will not accept defeat, though I frequently feel defeated. I no longer try to be the smartest, but instead I try to learn from others to increase my knowledge. I no longer attempt to be the prettiest girl, but I do try to put my best face forward. I cant say I dont still try to be the best cook on the line, because I believe to stop trying is counterproductive, however I recognize my flaws and work to improve them and become better. I am ok with not being good at a lot of things, but I wont let that stop me from doing anything. If I play darts I get excited to hit the board. If I accidentally sink a ball in pool thats enough for me. I have found recently I rub people the wrong way. I have days where Im head down and silent and I have days when I cant stop talking. Despite how I may come off to others, there are reasons for the way I act. I have been told that on my quiet days I am perceived as having a too good to talk to anyone attitude. This is not how I feel these days. On my quiet days Im usually keeping to myself to avoid spreading my negativity because I do care how I effect people. Some days I hear the same broken record things coming out of my mouth and just dont want to hear my own voice. There is never a time when I feel I am too good to talk to anyone. I have heard that people think I believe Im one of the hot girls. I walk around acting like I can get any guy I want, is actually what was said. I am well aware of the fact that is not true. I come off that way on purpose, its called exuding false confidence. I flirt with everyone. Im not actually trying to be with anybody. It just tends to make people smile when they are hit on or sweet talked, so I try to do that. Despite how I look, busted ass teeth and all, Im very picky about who I will date and there a only very few people I would consider. Im friendly, not stupid. Its never because I think Im better than another person, its mostly because I recognize when another person is at a different point in their life and I know fitting into my life is incredibly difficult and would take a certain type of person to even try. I try not to set up for failure. I may want any number of people that I will never pursue. I think thats my business as long as its in my head. Im actually very self aware and most of the time incredibly insecure. I dont know why people say Im arrogant or snobbish, I dont feel that way or try to act that way. Most people that I dont really talk to are people who I feel are out of my league and dont really want me to talk to them. I wish I didnt care so much what people think of me, but I do. I havent gotten over that hurdle yet. So, this rant has gone on long enough. I guess I just wanted to say Im sorry if i make anyone else feel bad about themselves and that is never my intention. Im just trying.
Posted on: Sat, 15 Mar 2014 07:21:36 +0000
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