I know with the fresh success of Eduardos road to getting better I should really only be thankful. I rarely allow myself to go where I am going to go, and I think its just because I am so sad today. Someone conversationally not really knowing how Olivia passed said to me, babies lost in the womb dont know pain, that they dont know hunger or what it is to be alone. And that all they they know is love. They didnt know shed been born to us and lived for longer than a day, they assumed she was still born. Every once in a while, even 12 years later I cant help but feel overwhelming sadness and guilt knowing Olivia wasnt to be that lucky. To be reminded that she DID know these things. That she suffered. Even a little. We miss her everyday and with the joy of Mae and Eli I get glimpses of another life. Maybe its because they are away from me that it crept up harder than normal. Sometimes I see two random girls talking with their heads pressed together laughing and whispering and Im lost in the what could have been. I know she keeps an eye on her sister and brother but there are days when I brush Maes hair or kiss Elis toes that make it painful to be with out her. There is a numb~like sensation, when you know something should be there, a phantom appendage feeling everyday. You know something important is missing but you make up for its loss of it with the absolute necessity to continue on. I try to remain positive. It doesnt bother me to talk about her or to remember her. It reminds me to make sure I watch my kids closely, to be thankful everyday for the time I have with them and all of the people I care for. She taught me that. But today is hard and it totally and unequivocally sucks and still I want to be nothing but angry and just really sad. So I will, just for a little while. And then when I come up for air, I will again stay true to the course of being a parent to two of the most awesome people on the planet. There are faults with in myself that Olivia makes me aware of, glaringly. I TRY not to judge others, I TRY often to remember things in our lives create damage. Everyones damage is their own and it varies. People carry it differently and sometimes not at all. Some people cant get out if their own way while others use their challenges as learning experiences and quickly move on refusing to make the mistake again. Im not normally that person, in either respect. I dont have the patience I should, but, Im working on it. The one thing I think thats changed for me is the ability to tell you I love you. I dont shy away from being hurt that way anymore. Im aware of how short our time together here may be. If I love you and care for you I will allow you in and tell you so. Often. The other is forgiveness. For the most part its selfish. Im going to forgive you mainly because its freeing myself. I recommend it. Just let that shit go. I no longer hold onto the pain someone may inflict or the hurt they cause by remembering it and dwelling on it. And its hard. It isnt easy at all, and sometimes the pain lingers longer than it should no matter how hard I work on it. In truth its an effort some days really to love myself the way I deserve to be loved. And I do deserve it. And so do you. There are things inside of me like everyone else I cant at this point or maybe wont let go of. Ever. Stubborn or not I hold onto certain responsibilities, certain beliefs, things that I am at fault for, that will never change for me. As a parent when it come to Olivia, these things were my job. Im not looking for answers or guidance. Im good. I promise. But I needed to vent/rant I guess. Sit down in my own pity party. To say, Man, today just totally sucked. And then, move on. There are permanent grooves in this soul of mine. Its damaged, Ill fully admit that. Its like this...Its the equivalent of being absolutely comforted MORE by the ability to run my fingertip over the scar that is there than the comfort it would create to have that scar removed. I miss you. I love you Olivia. Happy Birthday.
Posted on: Mon, 28 Jul 2014 11:36:50 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015