I learned something today in therapy that I wanted to share. Last week in therapy I word vomitted and cried the ugly cry. I walked out feeling lame and extremely petty. As soon as I got home I emailed my therapist and this is what I wrote: (be gentle with me. This is not easy to share but there is a lesson here and Im willing to share something super personal to teach it.) Hey lady! I wanted to tell you Im really sorry about today. I left feeling so lame. You told me to word vomit and I guess that is what you got. ;) Remember when I came in the first time and you asked me if I had always felt so misunderstood? I guess that is a lot of how I am feeling right now. I feel like I try so hard to show up in my relationships but I always end up disappointing people or letting them down in some way. I guess the underlying feeling is once again I am not enough. If I was enough, if my head wasnt so crazy people would show up in my life and want to stay. I feel really frustrated with myself. I want to fix me. I want to have a head that works like normal peoples. I want people to stay in my life BUT I understand why they dont stay. I wouldnt stay and If I wasnt stuck with me and my brain I wouldnt be here either. I feel like ED has ruined me ever having a chance of being normal in other peoples eyes and having a healthy relationship. I guess what it comes down to is I am angry at myself. I ordered that book when I got home and I am once again ready to work my a** off to change. I did go to lunch with my friend and it was a breath of fresh air to be around someone who gets me. Who has so many of the same thoughts that I do. I felt normal around her, which makes my heart happy because I dont feel normal around 90% of the world. Hence my amazing hermitting skills. Anyway, I wanted to say thank you for letting me unload and letting some of my most tender feeling be voiced without judgment. I am thankful for that Today I got called out on why I wrote her a letter apologizing for word vomiting (isnt that what therapy is for? she said) I had to really think about why I apologized to her and here is what I came up with. I have huge amounts of empathy for others. It is something that comes easy to me (imagine that..something comes easy to me) BUT I dont have empathy for myself- I just have sympathy. A conversation in my head looks like this: Your hard is not hard. You havent lost a baby. Your husband hasnt left you. Your hard is a sick brain and that is not hard, that is you choosing to be selfish. You dont get to claim the hard ticket because your life is not hard compared to other peoples. When your hard looks like what real hard looks like then you can talk So I hold it all in because my hard is not worthy of being called hard. Now if one of you came to me and said Kallie, I am struggling. I am in a deep dark trench of depression and it is so hard. Youd probably find me looking you in the eye and intently listening to what you had to say. There would never be a thought in my head that your hard was or is not hard. When you were finished my response to you would sound like this: I am so sorry. I have that battle too and I dont wish those trenches on anyone. Is there anything I can do to help? This conversation sounds drastically different than the one I had with myself right? How do you think our perspective would change if we talked to our own hard like we talk to others hard? Would it become easier to connect to ourselves and see who we are with a little more clarity? In the past I have said hard is hard and we should stop comparing our hard to everyone elses BUT it never applied to me and my hard. From now on I want you to acknowledge your hard.-even when it looks different than Janes next door. Just because it looks different doesnt mean it isnt your truth. Its okay to acknowledge that you have hard too, and its okay to show yourself some empathy through it. I battle depression, anxiety and an illness I call ed (eating disorder). I am my own worst critic. My illness isnt something you can see or feel. My sickness is a raging battle in my own head and for the first time in my life I am publicly acknowledging that my depression is HARD. Sooooo hard. Its exhausting. Its a roller coaster ride that I wish I could get off of and did I mention its hard? We all have hard so instead of debating whos hard is harder or telling ourselves our hard is unworthy to be called hard...Lets just call it like it is.... and thats HARD. Lets climb down off our pedestals, look each other and our selves in the eye and say Im here. I know what that feels like, and your not alone. Empathy= Connection Sympathy= Disconnection Lets start connecting with ourselves and with those around us because connection is what we all long to have- empathy wins! PS...There is a great video in the comments from Brene Brown on the difference between Empathy and Sympathy. It illustrates is perfectly. PSS... Do you need to vocalize your hard but need a space free of judgment to do it? Leave a comment below and let me know what your hard is. Love, Kallie
Posted on: Wed, 09 Jul 2014 03:07:16 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015