I like to share something: I am thankful for the brave people in this world who have been able to grow love for all their aspects. This video made me realize that yes, I still do have symptoms that in mainstream is called Tourette. Sometimes I almost forget that it is there, since I have become really skilled in repressing my tics along the years. I thought I had outgrown it. Though this video just made me realize again that in fact I havent really. Ibhavebjust becameba good actor and with that I have tied myself down, stopped breathing fully, blocked myblife energy to flow to the max. By just holding back on life, taming the waves inside of me, the ocean had nearly dried out.. I have been fooling myself a bit. Tginking Ibhad mastered my tics..but the only thing that actually has changed is the way they have become visable. This everlasting storm inside moves on, It creates amazing waves of all sorts. Just now, I have been keeping them for myself. The songs in my head are still playing, at least 5 at a time. Words and sentences become twisted art, unspoken. I thought I would be happier if I just bring this symphony and dance to stillness.. But I have become frustrated, with a body that feels locked in many ways, with a mind that keeps accumulating chaos, for it is not able to just release. Free outer movement, such as dancing and singing have always been my paths to stillnes, Real stillness inside. Not the appearing kind of stillness on the outside that reflects just the opposite on the inside. These people are so courageous to accept their waves, I wish I can find tgat amount of selflove tgat can produce that kind of courage. And my waves seem not even closely as strong as theirs. During my life often I felt emberrased when I couldnt help but winking at people and having them believe I meantbsomething with that. When again I accidentally hit a stranger on the street walking behind me..and thinking..its not me..its just my arm. When I couldnt helpt to continuously make sounds and comments during watching a movie with other people orbjust sitting next to a friend on the couch and sensing their oncomfort.. Being asked tge question so many times: youre feeling really restless, right? when in fact I was just being me. Frustration together with laughing about myself comes, when again I hurt my elbow against the wall, until bleeding sometimes, while just sitting on the toilet... And when now and than I push over a glass or all other sorts of objects. And as a child I used to come home from school everybday with avsore neck and back and shoulders. Im glad this has changed now at least and whats mostly effecting to my body now is my knees that hurt, because of the subtle legmovements I sometimes make during walking. Sometimes I feel like a freekshow, but just a hidden one. I am in a stage now that I am not sure how to feel about and how to react to peoples comments about my sudden movements and my constant need to release sounds by singing. I am learning now to find new ways in wich I dont have to repress my body anymore and at the same time am able to function and supportive to the life I lead. Definitely more dancing and singing. Its kind of funny that often people think I am just making a dancing movement when my bodyparts start claiming their freedom... I like to see it in that way..I am a dancer and a singer. :-) I am thankingbthe inspiring people like in this video, that remind me of the beauty of all my aspects and help me find the courage to stop looking away from my waves andvto slowly open the releasing tap again so that ocean water can flow again.
Posted on: Sun, 23 Nov 2014 11:18:30 +0000
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