I need to clear something up here - just because I am a peaceful parent, just because I search for creative win-win solutions to conflict, just because I prefer natural consequences over arbitrary ones, does not mean that I do not know how to say no to my children. Many times, upon expressing that we have chosen a respectful, non-authoritarian style of parenting, I have heard, its ok to say no to kids! as if I am afraid to say it. Ive heard it from our pediatrician, daycare workers, my mother and father-in-law, friends, and countless people on Facebook. I am perfectly capable of saying no. In fact, saying no is the easiest, knee-jerk, non-thinking, creativity and compassion lacking response to most of the requests my children make. Its like blinking. I want another piece of candy. No. Can I stay up late and watch a movie? No. Im throwing rocks all over the slide! No. I want to help you make pancakes. No. I don’t want to wear my coat. No. Easy. And I can come up with rationalizations in a flash to justify my no’s…. Sugar is bad for him. He could burn himself. He might catch a cold. Other moms don’t let their kids do it. Because I said so! There, done. Ive said no. Am I a better parent because I am doing exactly what was done to me? Exactly what everyone tells me to do without questioning, without considering the impact of the daily, hourly micro-squelching of my childrens drive to gain autonomy over their own lives? Saying no requires minimal effort on my part and ultimately results in my kids not asking questions and eventually learning to sneak around behind my back or lie to me in order to get what their way. But wait, that’s not what I want. I want my children to be capable of making decisions for themselves based on experience, to be competent in their abilities because they were given real-life opportunities to explore the world through trial and error. I want my children to be freethinkers, ever questioning regardless of status or norms, capable of holding themselves and the people around them accountable for their actions. I can say no. In fact, when Fireball (4) was a toddler I found myself saying no all the time. Then one day it hit me – this kid lives in a world of no’s. How is that going to affect the way that he perceives the world and his place in it? Will he go after what he wants or just assume it can’t be done? If he doesn’t learn from the start that he directs his own life, then when? Sure, I can say no. But the reality is, most of the time, in most situations, I dont need to… Have that piece of candy, and another. Have the whole bag. If your tummy hurts later we can talk about how candy and excess sugar can affect our bodies. You can help me with the pancakes; let me show you how to avoid being burned and how to clean up afterward. All the while we can explore math, chemistry, thermodynamics. Go outside in the cold without your jacket. Ill throw it in the car in case you change your mind. When you’re throwing rocks on the slide the kids waiting at the top can’t slide down, why don’t you throw the rocks over there? Believe me, there are still plenty of opportunities for no. I prefer, though, to check-in with myself first to make sure my no isnt just for ease of parenting, isnt just because I am worried what other parents will think of me, isnt just because nobody ever said “yes” to me.
Posted on: Fri, 24 Oct 2014 15:35:00 +0000