• I often wonder what it means to be me …and sometimes when I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, I feel at peace…and in my utmost calm, amid the dancing stars that occupy the darkness in my room, I see me in the future…very alone …but comfortable somehow. I see that I have lived a full life and that I have made a difference to a few, that I have contributed to the arts and society and that becomes my legacy …my eyes no longer sad…there is no guilt or shame or pain or requests for answers that I don’t have…no more questions of why and why not…no solitary tears that have to fight to stay hidden, but a waterfall that could simply burst free and let me just … be. But the woman I speak of is not sad, she is just calm…and as she walks away into the distant unawar, a little girl starts to giggle…that little one is also me, another side…she giggles but she is not calm or contented…she is full of life…and the things she remembers are not the ones listed above…her smile speaks more of the golden sunlight and the sound of the waves crashing on the shore, of laughter and cotton candy….memories of sand between her toes and the Caribbean breeze through her hair, the smell of everything delicious she made in the kitchen …the times she ran and trained hard and then…checked herself out in the mirror in pure admiration as she came into puberty…. The smile on her face, the exact replice of the first man she ever loved…her father. All the love and laughter and joy that has bubbled within her veins…the music, oh the love of music, the way songs transported her further than any train, plane or automobile. Setting the dance floor on fire, days and days of endless laughter and friends and fun…I dare you to do this daredevil, roller coaster junkie, class clown, life of the party … And all the quiet beautiful sunsets in between. She giggles constantly, running up a hill, falling on the grass and rolling around til it’s all in her hair, staring up at the clouds for hours and hours, wondering if anyone else saw the enchanting creatures carved up there in the moving fluff, one minute a snow angel and with the change of the wind, an old angry man with a long beard…giggle… How I miss that girl …. I miss me … I often wonder if I have a baby girl if she would be just like me, if she would be so full of life and energy and personality, smart and beautiful, carefree, silly, a heartbreaker, an old soul who loves poetry from the 18th century and who wrote because it was simply a therapeutic joy …. who had as many dreams as a young girl can have, a doctor one day, fashion stylist the next, journalist on Friday and then dancing for the whole weekend to de-stress (and well of course practice all the new moves) What happens to us when we grow up…why is it that we always have to give up, give in, adjust and end up loosing the best parts sometimes … In the beginning it’s all about the fun and ‘hey this is me’…they remember you smile and your crazy stories and all the love you bring … You are worshipped, but this has it’s own faults, cause a day comes when you are no longer allowed to be human … You can’t make mistakes and when you do, going back to fun without fear becomes a perilous journey instead of the natural way to make it right again. Everything is a suspicion and a question, until you start feeling like …maybe I am the worst and saddest person I know and it makes no sense trying to win the battle of finding me again….why do we do this? Why did I? Do we need another person to love us so bad, that we forget to love ourselves? That emotion called love … the middle ground between the true agony and the ecstasy and every moment that tugged you in one direction or the other, tore you apart inside then burned like the cliche fire on a stormy night …. love, can we really live without it? Do we even want to try to or is it that we get so entrapped in its rapture, we become like addicts who needs its fix … the touch of that one person we desire, the kisses we crave from the soul our heart selected from a lineup….that special person who makes us cry sometimes, but when we think about him, the only memories that come rushing back are those of his beautiful eyes looking at you so lovingly…his lips speaking your name as if you had never heard your name spoken before … The voice that said hurtful things, now breathing in your perfume and making you dizzy with …love. The moments you both laughed uncontrollably and then ended up holding hands in the rain. The lonely days when all you do is wonder what they are up to, if they are smiling or if they are thinking of you as much as you are thinking about them ….then the moment you find out they were and it lights you up from the inside like you swallowed the lamp atop a lighthouse. Everything goes boom …then silence. Those moments….man those moments are the reference points of many days and no matter how you compare it, those moments always win. It is that split second when your brain tells you run, but your heart stops you in your tracks and say love, this is why you stay. Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.
Posted on: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 17:37:56 +0000
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