I recently started dreaming again. I realized last night that a snake vision I had been talking about was actually a dream that came to me the Wednedsay leading into Thanksgiving weekend. My personal and professional transformation happened that weekend. I lit an 8-hour candle TG Sunday that burned solid for five days, burning out Friday morning. I used the weekend to release myself to the one good block of five days I remember in a sea of despair in a prison made of 3 and 5 day churns. I was determined to reset my clock, Ive proven I can do that with the healing Ive manifested in the last six months. I went back and apologized as best I could for the worst grievances I committed, in my own heart, to people along the way. And I listened to their story and apology, when appropriate. The last age I had to amend for was 23. I said viscous anti lgbt shit I didnt believe to a really sacred male because his ex-gf came out of the closet on his time. It was reprehensible and I still cry at the pain in his eyes and the shame of knowing where we were and how inappropriate it was. I will find and face him one day, Ive been ready for that since 25. But I realize I held anger at the hurt I felt from her from 2nd grade through high school. She was viciously mean when I was at my weakest, she was openly mocking and antagonistic, competitive and mean. She loathed me. Seeing her facebook, happy pictures of a golden woman no longer under the glass of suburban domestication, her wings unfurled and she is flying a beautiful free liberated life. She found her way through sports. I understand my coupling and her loathing so much more. I am so grateful for her ever present pain in my life, a throbbing thorn to offset the actual vicious abuse I was enduring at home. She was the vent to my overstimulation and it was a gift from the goddess. When I blew my steam of her on him, I was able to recognize it was my immature way of handling pressure in the only method my human knew. She willingly reconnected and all of our past was wiped clean with its good to see you made it out of the dome But I witnessed his pain and would never want to do that again. And I managed that until I was forty. So, Im going to pat myself on the back and say Atta Girl to myself. I can wipe my humiliation off because I recognize its just a matter of time before people accept I learn my lessons and try again. I live my life without fear of other because I am now cosmically whole. Its so weird. But I feel like my tides are turning and planets are shifting. Must be the Hippy in me singing Hair. Watch it again if you havent in a while. It was amazing for me. I tell you this (are you still with me?) because music has always been my comfort. I had to walk through my desert this summer without music, by fall I had adapted, using CDs and pandora, mood depending. Ive been in deep cocoon, focusing primarily on health, while keeping the Professional bubble floating for two weeks. Ive used my time wisely. Instead of letting triggers of past demons rile me up, Ive done me. I chose me during my cocoon and I wove magic creating unintended romantic partnering a with old friends, acquaintances and new connections. Ive been spoiled for choice and I feel like the Universe gave me as much work as I was willing to burrow in and do. I take advantage of my broke down state and meditate a lot. Ive learned that I go to CDs when Im introspective and I go to Pandora for messaging. When I am clear in my Self, I found, I start with a Protest Songs. I am at my clearest when I am open to letting My Activist receive messages from music. Its amazing Ironically, I had seen my throat chakra animal as a teal cougar type lioness of sorts. I called her Pandora and she holds her paw over a box...she tries hard to discern what comes out, but she doesnt always understand the human hypocrisy and has little tolerance for the muddy yellow color of deceit. I named my animal before I became obsessed with pandora as a music station. Yeah, let that settle in. Welcome to my world, my friend. Heres todays playlist. I started this post during Neil Young (hugs to CowGirl, I made my peace ages ago and Im so thankful. Once again, I eat Crow!). I imagine we will dream together. You always said to look into my journey to find my dream. You were with me and mine when I created a bubble around my house and land. The semicircle of golden hill proved I create magic better in bubbles and I now have vision to explain it, yet lack words to describe it) I feel cosmically rebirthed this morning. Peace has come to my soul. I have to get through the rest of my haunting December, but Ill wash clean NYE at the Cat Club with my New Wave Crew. I do me from here on out. I like how I do me. Pandoras got her Flow back! And it has a french accent quite possibly...swoon! Fortunate Son Heart of Gold Cant You See White Rabbit Is there Anybody Here (1st time Ive heard it) Who will stop the rain Simple Man For what its worth The Boxer (first song I remember by them and I wanted to be a hobo from it. I loved the idea of wanderer, but I already lived lonely life, I wanted partner in crime. I only needed one friend to help me navigate the world and he would be shiny) Born on the bayou (I shit you not, I did NOT edit order) My my hey hey---live Southern Cross, CSN....but the Heather Nova one taught me my four winds...so Im gonna go listen to Siren in the bath. Oyster got me to this playlist. I think we can all agree I deserve some London Rain and fresh seeds planted. My garden will be very different this Spring after a barren few years. Out
Posted on: Sat, 13 Dec 2014 19:19:40 +0000
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