I sat here for some time before posting this. Thinking about what I could say that I havent already said. I look back to 20 years ago, being 13 years old, so innocent & unaware of the cruelties of life. I think about the weeks leading up to my sisters murder & I just cry. What my life was like before and after, being such stark opposites of reality. I think about how this event shaped me for the better, though it took many, many years to become better. But I also think about what was stolen from me- not only my sister and my companion, but my innocence, my childhood, my trust, my happiness, and my whole sense of what life was. I imagine myself in our living room that night, just my mom and I, as the police called regarding two bodies being found. Crissy had been missing for 11 days prior and her being dead was just not at all in my scope of what was real. I can picture myself now by that old orangish brown 70s looking chair we had for years, while my mom was on the phone in the other room. How I prayed so feverishly to whoever was listening, repeating over and over again out loud, please say its not her, please say its not her with my moms shaken voice in the background. I still can remember the smell of her bedroom, which certain candles mimic yet its hard for me to imagine her as a whole person. I only have fleeting memories like clips from home videos streaming in my mind. I was so weak and devastated for so many years, crumbling under pressure, barely able to live day to day that now, showing weakness is something I avoid at any cost. I dont allow myself to cry, remembering the years, literal years I spent crying almost every day, being stuck in this dark obsessive thought process and just unable or unwilling to allow myself any sort of peace. I am grateful for who I am now and I believe that a lot of my attributes can be contributed to going through trauma at a young age but sometimes, god damn it, I just miss Crissy and hate so much, the suffering in life. I hate so much that my mother suffers from guilt and sadness, that my sister Wendy feels anger and injustice, and that my father missed out on some of our childhood and also feels immense sadness and guilt. The one thing I hate more than anything in this world is the suffering of others. So many people suffered with this murder case. I dont want to suffer any longer. I want to surround myself with happiness, forgiveness, positivity and love- showing kindness to others, even the man accused of killing my sister. I need to learn that its okay to feel weak, but for now I will continue onto my day, like any other day, where Crissy being gone is just a fact of life. (I had to pay for a day pass to read the article- if it does not show up I pasted the text below)
Posted on: Wed, 23 Jul 2014 16:21:03 +0000
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