I saw my mother this weekend, she stated how she couldnt wait to see my health no longer be such an issue in my life. I remember when I used to think this also. This past year has been one of surrender to the fact that, that .. I am never going to have my health back. Gone are the days that I can return to the state of mind that one day, This will all go away. This battle I have been fighting.. it has been long, and rooted far deeper into me than what is at the surface. When did it start? Was it when I was 11 and learned how to make myself vomit? Was it a result of a Hyper-emetic Pregnancy? ... I am ok with not knowing the answers as to where it came from, however what I do know that it is here, and very much apart of my life. There are days/weeks that I go without any symptoms. Then like the flip of a switch, what I had written off as just a bad memory is back in my life front and center. There are no words to explain it to those who have not experienced it. I started writing this as I realized I had been laying with the ever familiar burning bulging pain my upper right quadrant, and morning sickness esq nausea teetering like a cat who cant make up their mind to be indoors or out, this pain had me clenching my teeth down.. when I finally realized Hey you have been laying here clenching your teeth for the past hour, perhaps its time for pain meds? I faced the next elusive piece to my puzzle. Am I in the mood to gamble tonight? Do I dare take some pain medication with the hopes that it actually takes my mind off of the pain- knowing that the risk of pissing off my pancreas and liver are very much a factor into the Pros and Cons of pain relief? However I would like to go to work tomorrow, and I would like to sleep- What is worth more to me? ... on this Sunday night.. going to work means more to me, than laying in agony all night only to be worn by the time morning comes and running the could ofs and should ofs through my mind. At least with the pain meds I have a shot at having relief.. given no spasms occur.( This is where I place my shout out to 7/1/2015 and the use of cannibis vapor for flares becomes legal for our medical necessity.. A lot of SODERS use cannabis vapor to assist during flares and spasms.. and the side effects they experience = Minimal) I guess back to my original tangent on this little diddy of writing, and that is that chronic illness doesnt go away. I used to think that I would never let myself get to the point of losing hope. However surrendering and accepting chronic illness is not the same as losing hope. I feel like by accepting the facts that lay before me. I am able to stop worrying about that one day when everything will be normal and just be. This is my normal. - and I able to embrace the contrast of what a good and a not-so-good day feel like. Somedays are hard, and they freaking suck, and those sucky days- well they can be hard to accept, digest, and keep moving forward. However the good days, they are days that are beautiful and the zest for enjoyment comes from knowing the contrast you are experiencing. There is no shortage in gratitude and appreciation for the little things- and I love those days. I got to experience both of those days today- This morning was beautiful and I even uttered the words I feel amazing at one point. Today was fully harvested- Time with family, time with my birds, time doing things for myself that I hadnt been able to do much of last week. I think back to last year, 2, 3, 4 years ago- and how I remember thinking that my illness can not last forever?.. and well it has.. and it is very much a part of my life. This is the point where I cue the facts of life theme song- and just smile. Chronic illness is a curse and a blessing. You take the good, you take the bad.... Much love https://youtube/watch?v=Sd6wEeKjbqg
Posted on: Mon, 06 Oct 2014 05:15:59 +0000
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