I try to walk home from school. It is almost impossible, i can barely walk. Jessy has taken this to far. I cant take this anymore. I wipe the tears away. The pain is hurting so bad, mentally & physically . Great, now im going up the steps into my house. I cant wait to hear what my mom says. Ill get blammed for everything. It will be MY fault. She will blame it on me liking girls. Im always doing something wrong. I walk in, my mom is in the kitchen. She stares over. How was schoo- CLARISSA JANE. she examined me. I TOLD YOU TO BE NORMAL. MAYBE IF YOU WERE NORMAL PEOPLE WOULD TREAT YOU DIFFERENTLY. DONT YOU UNDERSTAND? I looked up and said Ill be in my room. Hearing what she said always made me feel worthless. The only person I have in my life is my sister, Molly. She is four years old, and my entire life. I get limited time with her because my mom thinks I might influence her to be different. Im always forced to stay in my room and do homework or clean. Music is my only escape. I dont get t.v. privlages. I listen to hard core rock music. I cry myself to sleep listening to slipnot. I think of everything wrong in my life. I think about my mom, everyone at school, my ugly brown eyes, ugly black hair, ugly body, not perfect. My only sunshine through the thunderstorm is Molly. I use to have my dad too, but he died. It was my moms fault. She treated my dad, just like me. I dont understand why he stayed with her, but i guess he had his reasons. My dad felt my pain. He was driving, and didnt want to live his life anymore, he couldnt take the pain. Then he crashed the car, he fell asleep, forever. Ill just cry the pain away and have nightmares about life every night. Maybe tonight i wont cut myself? Wrong. I cut into my rough skin, alined with all my other scars of pain and fear. Ill cry the pain away. Ill sleep away the pain. Maybe I wont wake up in the morning. I was hoping I would die sleeping, but it didnt work. I hoped that I would just already be in heaven, but Im not. Maybe I wont get bullied today? Haha, no. Ive been bullied since kidnergarden. I looked at the clock, its 6:15! I need to be at the bus stop by 6:45. I put on my favorite blue jeans and my hollister white blouse. I rushed downstairs, ate breakfast, then brushed my teeth and hair. I grabbed my backpack near the door and slipped on my converse shoes. I have to walk down a hill everyday to get to my bus. About half of the people who live in my neighbor hate me. As I was walking, i heard people shout fatty and whats for lunch today? A whole buffet I tried to ignore them, but its so hard. Its hard hearing people shout things at you that are disrespectful and make you cry every night. I just got on the bus, blasted my music, and waited to get to the torturous school. I went through the first four periods with getting called fatty. Wow. Lunch was always the worst, because when I ate, people would always say careful you might explode of being so fat. I sat at the lunch table, but I didnt eat. I havent ate lunch in 2 weeks at school, so nobody said anything. Today was going okay, until, Jessy came over to me. She said Hey fatty McPatty, why arent you eating? Trying to go on a diet? Well it wont work. I cant take this, im talking back to her, i thought. I can do it, I can do it. Jessy.. she looked over. So the fatty decides to talk to me? . I cant take this anymore, im done SHUT UP JESSY YOURE AWFUL WHY DONT YOU JUST GO HOME AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR. LOOK AT YOURSELF INSTEAD OF ME She laughed. Go kill yourself youre so lame, go do it, I dare you. Nobody likes you, just face it, no one ever will you love girls, and it is absolutely WEIRD, just go die, i dare you, just do it, youre a worthless piece of poop! Tears were streaming down my face. MAYBE I WILL, SORRY FOR RUINING YOUR EYES WITH MYSELF, SORRY FOR BEING MYSELF, SORRY FOR LIKING GIRLS, SORRY FOR BREATHING I ran out the door, ran all the way home. My mom wasnt home, good. Die. Nobody likes you. Youre fat. Kill Yourself. Lesbian. Words hurt. I ran inside and looked into my drawer. There it was. The thing that would relieve my pain, no more crying, no more insults, no more anything. I started writing. I wrote to my sister. I told her how much I love her, how she was gonna have a great life. She didnt need to here moms insults to me. She could read it, once she learned how to read. I also started recording a video. I wrote her name on it. To my beautiful sister, Molly Stanos I recorded it, and I said Molly, I love you so much. Youre the only person I love. Nobody else. Youre gonna have a great life. Dont let people judge you, youre beautiful. Stand up for yourself. If you ever need to talk, ill be listening in spirit, just talk to me. You wont be able to hear me reply, but I want you to talk with me. I wrote you a letter, you wont be able to read it yet, but I want you to keep it forever, and please promise me not to show mother. Dont let mom judge you, be who you are, stick up for yourself, I love you so much, I wish I could kiss/hug you one more time, but its time for me to go. Bye my love. I hugged the screen and kissed it so she could do the same in return. I went on the computer, and made it into a C.D. I walked to my room, and did one lastprayer to God. Dear God, I love you so much and thank you for letting me be on Earth. I cant take the pressures of life, so I decided its my time to visit you. Thanks for the gift of my dad and sister. There it was. The pain reliever, sitting right next to me. I examined it, and tears ran down my face. I said Im coming to live with you Dad and starting tearing my skin with the rugged blade. Every cut represented everything people would say to me. Blood was streaming down my arm. No more hate, just love. I was in paradise now, and free of the world. Unbroken.
Posted on: Thu, 31 Oct 2013 04:59:10 +0000
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