I want to say that I have a good family and great parents. That I am blessed with a wonderful husband who has two children. And also for the love I have from my dog and cat that fill the void of not having my own children. I am peaceful and dont want to have family disputes or challenges but I need a break from this never-ending family drama. It goes on and on and I spend my time and money fixing problems that just continue and for years now make it impossible for me to be able to function on a level of having my own life. I feel like if I want to do something I cant do it without some problem hanging over my head, taking all my money or emotions to enjoy even the small things in life. I look back and see my life compromised over and over by this drama. If I take a vacation I am faced do I go on the vacation or stay here to deal with this drama problem. If I go on the vacation then it is over my head and I dont relax or enjoy. If I cancel the vacation people are disappointed etc. Now is my time... I have two goals and that is to make this new organization successful and the second goal is to live like a normal human being. When they create these problems it takes my time away from doing productive things and achieving results. I live for each minute. Even if it is walking my dog or petting my cat or cooking for my husband. I dont want to spend one minute wasting my time on stupid things. I hate it. I am a forwards thinking person, I am thinking ahead all the time... about what I have to do in work or in my personal life. I dont know how to escape these constant problems that are projected on me, inflicted on me and my husband. We feel like the janitors, the clean up crew, the bank machine... if we cut off this person we end up being sad for all that has happened but if we continue tolerating this financial and emotional abuse we cant live in peace either. No matter what we choose we have no peace. I know this... I cant take it anymore. And I dont know what and how to change this outcome. Maybe it is me... I want a happy ever after ending. Maybe that is my problem. I see myself fixing the drama thinking that there is going to a change in that person and then no it is still the same so I try to fix it again. I just know this, I have reached my threshold and I need to live my life for me and my family, not deal with this crap every day. I cant stand another minute. I am wasting my time on a situation that has not changed in years and I know in my heart is not going to ever change. But as each drama situation occurs it becomes even more fantastic and more extreme and I am faced with moral dilemmas... like getting someone out of jail and paying for their lawyer when they are guilty and doing so will not teach them to change but keep the status quo. But then leaving them in the jail means they could be raped or assaulted or worse... what in the hell do you do? If I dont dedicate my time to productive and positive outcomes I am going to lose my mind. This is where I am at at this point. I am so sick and tired. I just want to live MY life. I want to invest my money in MY life. I want to dedicate my time for My life. I want to go to sleep knowing I had a good day. That my work makes a difference. I dont want to feel resentful anymore. I dont want to be silently angry. I dont want to feel like I cant plan to do even the simplest things because for the hundredth time I will have to choose what I can do. This is not living. We have to live for ourselves first and then for the other we love. I am not a machine. I am not a stupid. I dont deserve to be lied to or cheated or manipulated or bad-mouthed if I say no. I dont deserve to held financially and emotionally hostage. I need to get off this train and not feel guilty or blamed. I hope that I heed my words and go through with this and cut the cord. I hope that I have the strength to do it. Because I am probably on this earth another 25 years and I cant continue another minute in this farce. But it has to be done or there will be no peace. And I NEED peace in my heart.
Posted on: Mon, 15 Sep 2014 13:04:11 +0000
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