I was going to remain silent on this topic on Facebook but I keep seeing posts that make me extremely concerned, so Im throwing in my voice. Im affected alot more by Robin Williams death than Id like to admit. Im truly bummed out. I cried and I never met him. I dont know how to start...so Ill just start. I have suffered from depression for a long time. Since grade school really, since my mom died. Ive had suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I thought to myself that I could make it go away if I tried hard enough. If I stopped focusing on the negative and did meditation and yoga and listened to happy music and watched happy tv and told myself that Im just being selfish and stupid. Just feel better! This didnt work, it made it worse because now I was depressed and a failure at being happy. For me depression is more of numb than anything. Numb mixed with fits of sadness. Its like I cant feel and when I can its all sad and dumb. Everything. Like everything is sad and dumb, I used to eat Keebler elf cookies and cry because the elf was dying as I ate it. Its stupid happy face staring back at me. Smiling. I couldnt so Id cry. I went to a school counselor when I was in 5th &6th grade to talk about my moms death with 4 other kids who had a close family member die. I remember in 5th grade feeling so ashamed I felt the way I did. It was weird. I wanted it to go away. I wanted to be normal but I couldnt. I always felt off. I kind of got used to it. I would just feel dumb while everyone else experienced feelings. This was my normal. This made me mad. I was mad for a long time. In fact it still lives in me when people dont understand, which is why Im writing this I guess. Feeling shame for depression sucks. It works together with depression to make you feel worse. Im still ashamed of my depression. I worry what people may think. What they may say. I want to not be ashamed of it but I am. Logic doesnt play a role in depression. Depression defies logic. It was hard for me to start taking meds for depression because of the shame. I didnt start taking meds until 5 years ago. It was like I was giving in. Only the weak take meds. Only the truly broken take meds, right? I am depressed and I have a stigma about it. Why?! Even my first Dr. appointment after I started my meds and I felt better I told my doctor I was feeling great so I didnt need the meds anymore. Im ready to be off. He replied, have you ever thought its because they are working? Which I had to think about. Holy shit! I wanted to stop the thing that was working because it is weak to be on meds. This is where I really started to think of the shame that comes along with depression. Why was I ashamed? To a degree I still am. Im terrified by posting this. Im worried about it but in the wake of what people have been saying about Robin Williams abd depression in general I need to get this out, I suffer from depression and I dont want to be ashamed of that! The way we see mental health needs to change! We are so afraid to talk about it. Were so afraid to talk about suicide in a helpful way. We want to hide it, forget it, label it as selfish and dismiss what actually happened. Sadness fills my heart about Robin Williams. Even more, is that there are more people out there suffering, contemplating because of the stigma attached to depression and suicide. They feel broken. Please! You are not broken! We are out there and there is hope! Together we can get through this! There is nothing to be ashamed of! You are not alone! I have depression, depression does not have me! (I apologize for the rambling of this post.)
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 07:21:41 +0000