I wrote this yesterday: For the first time yesterday, I was angry at what had happened to me. I took it out on Joanne, but it wasn’t her fault. We drove up to Portland, Maine on an errand. I had wanted to see the ocean, just for a few minutes, maybe a half hour. Maybe walk on the shore and put my feet in the water… On our way home, she drove to Old Orchard Beach, Maine, which was charming. But when we tried to get near the water, we were in the middle of a bustling summer tourist industry, with tacky tee-shirts, flip flops, bikinis, shorts, children, inflatable toys, beach towels, fresh corn on the cob, motorcyclists, RVs, tattoo parlors, bicycles, lobster rolls, lobster macaroni, live lobsters, carnival rides, fried food, beer, and fruity mixed drinks. People hung out on balconies of little beachside hotels, ‘cruising’ the crowd below. Suddenly a light went on for me – it was summer, this was vacation time for many people, and they were having fun. I felt alone, and sick, and then angry, and ordered Joanne, who was fruitlessly looking for parking amid the convivial chaos, to “Go! Just go!” I hadn’t seen the water, we couldn’t get near it – a fact I resented bitterly. I saw what I’d been missing all summer in my bouts with nausea, diarrhea, pain, weakness, fatigue, daily trips to Beth Israel for radiation, untold humiliations with parts of my body poked, prodded, and examined. This was my summer. My inner life, my meditation life, has been rich and fulfilling. I’ve confronted a lot of important inner truths, wrestled with demons, and been overwhelmed by the kindness of friends and strangers alike… Yet…truth be told, I’ve lost the summer – you know, that time of year that I dreamed of all winter long as I slogged through snow and slid across ice to the bus, day after day for four months. And here the world merrily goes to the beach, eats, corndogs, licks ice cream cones, swims in the ocean, goes on hikes through forests and mountains. I felt angry, and like I’d suddenly walked on stage in the middle of a production that had no place for me. I’ve been in a time warp. Then I saw mist coming through the trees as we turned away from the direction of the ocean. It was mysterious and haunting. Then I rolled down my window and inhaled the scent of cool pine forests as we rolled past. So amid the mist and woodsy scent, Old Orchard Beach and all its amusement rides and vacationers faded away like a seaside “Brigadoon.” I hope the next time it appears, I am able to enjoy it, too. P.S. Never mind that I was idealizing the joy of the masses. Parents were no doubt scolding children, siblings were fighting, old men were leering young girls, older kids were experiencing their first love or betrayal amid the cotton candy and Tilt-A-Whirl, and everyone was nursing sunburned noses and other body parts… Family vacations aren’t always that great! It was the IDEA of it, the childish fantasy of what summer SHOULD be like that had me tasting disappointment and anger.
Posted on: Thu, 31 Jul 2014 15:58:25 +0000
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