If you will indulge me just another couple of days before the anniversary of my sons passing, I hope to post a few more thoughtful remarks before I return to life in my new normal. Then, once again, I will try to embrace my personal cross of grief without too much protest or complaint. Even two years after the fact, there is still not a single hour in my day that my thoughts dont return to Sam and the tragic consequences of his fatal mistake. The what-ifs and the personal guilt I feel in not having been able to have effect a different outcome remain a heavy and oppressive burden with myself and most survivors of suicide (as we refer to those who have lost a loved one to this scourge of mental illness). My cross has been made lighter by the innumerable instances of compassion, support, and encouragement that I have received from friends both near and far. Indeed, many of the people who comment upon my occasional posts concerning this subject are people who, themselves, have lost loved ones to suicide. I now count many such persons as very dear friends who have walked in my shoes and similarly suffered one of lifes greatest insults or tragedies. There is an instant rapport established among suicides bereaved who do not need to speak a single word to communicate that they know exactly how it feels to lose a child to a single cause that raises as many complex emotions as suicide. Fortunately, most of you will never have to drink from this bitter cup. In the early days after my sons death, one of Sams classmates produced a short video tribute to him. Laramie Hall had gone to school with Sam from his earliest days in elementary school. She was merely 14 years-old at the time she produced the moving video that follows. It is a gift for which we remain very grateful. Laramie struck the perfect balance of providing the spiritual reassurances that I needed as she alternated with images of my beloved Samuel Philip Robinson. I can look at some of these images of Sam now and, with the benefit of hindsight, the despair in his eyes seems so apparent to me now although it was perfectly invisible to me at the time. To be sure, there were many happy times as well. My favorite image is of Sam placing his hand upon the head of an as-yet-unidentified fellow classmate. I used to inconsolably wail when I watched this video. I would just fall to pieces when I watched it. I still have a very hard time watching this video without crying, but this video now evokes good tears that are sacred to me. I hope that, if you are moved to do so, you will say a little prayer for Sam, my daughters, Laura and Lisa Robinson, my ex-wife, Carolyn, and all other families who daily struggle with the overwhelming grief wrought by the suicide death of a loved one. https://youtube/watch?v=LOg4TnLhUks
Posted on: Tue, 14 Oct 2014 04:41:45 +0000
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