Im a dick. Im sick of myself. Either I have natural normal male feelings and urges and have standards that exceed them in an excruciating conflict, or I am simply grossly inadequate. I cant stand it. I am a fat, gross pig, undesirable in every sense. I have needs no woman could ever hope to meet, if she could even muster the desire to try. Fortunately I am on my death bed. I am the most ridiculous joke of a man, who lived a ridiculous joke of a life and I have come to truly dislike people generally speaking. It is the case that I am physically, emotionally and mentally a ridiculous failure...I cant believe I managed to be so unattractive that for thirty seven of my forty three years of life I was desperately lonely and alone, with nothing but my emotional and mental anguish to focus on. The time I was doing best I had a girlfriend, but her friends warned away from caring about a schizophrenic. The girlfriends I had during my five years of dating never seemed to connect with me, and it feels like I have always been alone, with no one understanding or able to understand. The problem is I can only smoke some much a day on my budget and fatty foods are a slow death. Ive had two heart attacks already and Im hoping the next one will do it for me. I feel like Im supposed to keep these feelings to myself, but I faked normalcy my whole life and I dont want to die doing that. People should know how painful life is for a schizophrenic. Its not that they should feel guilty for having it better, its not even that they should feel obligated to take care of people like us. Its just that most people never experience for very long the level of deprivation we go through, the violence of stark emotional contrasts, glared at as if your intimate inner heart and mind is a social spectacle, reexperiencing and reexperiencing the grotesque treatment done to you by the most godawful and disgusting hypocrites, held in isolation exposed to the recurring violence of obnoxious, belligerent self centeredness and disregard. Forced to be still while it happens over and over, forced into constant strenuous and exhausting self control. I do hope that when I am gone I will find peace. For me it wont end exactly, but thankfully it will change, perhaps change much for the better. I was baptised, I had first confession and first communion, and I had communion a number of times since then and while it was not so much a choice of mine I was celibate nearly all of my life. I still hope for a goddess, a transcendent sky goddess, but I cant help that I felt obligated as a catholic most of my life. I never could let go of that sense of obligation. I am connected with it on some level. But I feel now that I have expressed what happened to me and Im going to do my best to let go of my hatred and anger.
Posted on: Sat, 01 Feb 2014 18:56:32 +0000
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