Im not sure if I have ever felt more humbled in my entire life than I do tonight. I will probably never understand why, but I have been given an extraordinary number of absolutely incredible, breathtaking, LIFE CHANGING, straight up miracle producing experiences and I havent done one single thing to deserve any of them. I have another story to tell. If you cant stomach the thought of hearing yet another of my crazy, unbelievable drama-ramas this would probably be a good time to roll your eyes and unfriend me... because Im pretty much starting to believe that this is my life.. one incredible miracle after another. And I cant simply keep them to myself... I would spontaneously combust, Im sure of it. Does anyone remember when I poured my heart out to you the day I learned by googling his name that my birth father had died three months previous? I was all kinds of snarky, angry, sarcastic.... broken hearted.... confused ~ ~~ ~ yes, mostly confused ~ at my reaction to what I had learned, and how I had learned it. Its pretty clear to me right now what that was all about. But at the time, I was quite honestly a mess. I felt like a hormonal teenaged kid that didnt have a clue what to do with my feelings, and couldnt begin to understand why I felt anything at all. And I read that post again just a few minutes ago, after I searched for it for hours on end, and I was mean too. I dont know why I have to be mean when Im hurt, and Im not really proud of myself for that right now, because someone else is going to be reading that snarky post very soon (if they havent already) and while I am so very tempted to just delete it and try to forget it, I cant. I actually looked for it so I could see something else with my eyes and my heart wide open. For more than a year Ive been trying to work through a tangled up mess of feelings and thoughts that I just didnt understand. Its been a long search for a silver lining that I KNEW was there because it always is. ALWAYS. That may be the only thing I knew for certain in this entire story. It may also be the only reason I would never have completely let it go. I was thinking about him all day Saturday. By Saturday evening I was online searching again... wanting to find something, any little thing that could help me get to a good place. Knowing of his death opened up a lifetime of feelings that had been buried so deeply I didnt even know they existed. Adding to my already frustrated state of mind I realized I wasnt going to be able to read even so much as an obituary online without subscribing to the newspapers that had printed it, and for awhile I couldnt get passed how messed up it is that I cant read my birth fathers flippin obituary without paying someone for that privilege. And the pissed off grew a little more with every passing minute. Have you ever gone for a relaxing weekend drive with no clear destination in mind.... ending up somewhere without ever thinking about how you got there? And somehow knowing that it wasnt just a spontaneous happy accident that took you there? Ok, maybe thats just me... but anyway, thats the only way I can describe the next few things that happened on Saturday night. I found myself on the facebook page of a young woman that I knew to be the daughter of my birth father. Ive known only that she and his son existed, and because a year or so earlier I had unconsciously memorized bits and pieces of his obituary I knew what their names were. And I knew that while most of that facebook page was set to be seen only by friends that at least some of the photos on it could be seen by anyone, and I was hoping that I could see that mysterious something that I needed to see. Yeah.. cue up the creepy stalker music here.... At some point I must have simply decided that it was time to stop re-reading the same chapter of this worn out book in my head and the following chapter (hey dont judge... Im a DO first, THINK later person remember?) turned out to be interactive! Uh oh. Those chapters make me hold my breath for long periods of time if I remember correctly.... Yep. I was sending this beautiful woman a message. And I was laying it all out...and it is no exaggeration that with every word I wrote came a silent prayer that I wasnt about to turn her world upside down. And by the time I was done, the picture I painted was pretty vivid. Hi you have a half sister and her name is me! Surprise! And I was correct... I think the second I hit send on that message I also took a deep breath and held it for awhile. Im starting to suspect that holding my breath may be what starts growing miracles in my life! And the rest of this story does NOTHING to dispel that theory of mine, because a miracle had indeed begun to take shape. Within a matter of 2 hours I found myself having a facebook chat with a beautiful woman that welcomed me with arms wide open, without judging me and deeming me to be batshit crazy, without expectation and without reservation, and one of the very first things she said was..... I have always wanted a sister. Tears. Validation. Love. Silver Lining. Im sorry I was mean. Im sorry you have to read that part... Im sorry you have to know that I settled for an explanation of who he was from someone who only knew a very small part of him. But I am not sorry that there is something inside of me that just cant stop until I begin to feel balance... and I know without even asking where that comes from. Im sorry I cant thank him for that... but my miracle is that I can tell you, and the miracle is even bigger because I dont have to explain it... you get it.
Posted on: Tue, 28 Jan 2014 03:37:06 +0000
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