Im sorry for the long post but I need help in my life and I want a feminists opinion on what to do . I just want help. Im begging for help. The issue is my relationship. I am in a relationship with a person much older than I am (47) Im 19. We met online and have known each other for a little more than a year now. My parents dont approve of him for obvious reasons. We talked online for several months before I decided I wanted to meet him in person. He was a really nice person online to talk to. I argued pretty violently with lots of screaming and name calling many many times with my parents and told them that I wanted to meet him so badly just him and I, in a public place for the first time. They didnt want me to and they wanted to meet him with me first. We met in secret from my parents for the first time in August, he was nice just like I imagined. However, he did tell me to quiet my voice a couple times (Im loud when Im excited) which almost brought me in tears at the time because I wasnt used to it and certainly not used to being scolded by a S.O. I came home later that day and continued talking to him as normal. The next day my mother read my messages (as she often did) and discovered I had gone to meet him in a museum. She was screaming and crying at me and I assured her all was well. At this time, I was just starting my first semester of community college. She kept threatening to stop paying for my education if I saw him. This infuriated me since I was really worried about my college education. We fell out every single day. Fighting was constant. The next month after more fighting, she agreed to let me see him in his hometown. So I took the train there for the day. My boyfriend wanted help cleaning his house and I agreed to help him clean. His house is like the house you see in hoarders. There was cat shit stuck to the carpet, cat pee stuck to papers on the floor, rotten food ect. I helped him a little bit with the time we had then we got dinner. The day was fun, so I went back home that night and I told my mom I wanted to see him more than just once a month since hes my boyfriend. She told me only once every two months. I was frustrated at this time and we kept arguing. My grades were dropping because the stress at home. My depression was so bad I wanted to commit suicide, I couldnt keep up with my work because of all the arguments. I was behind one week on everything. Since I didnt trust my mother to continue paying for my education, my boyfriend told me he would pay for it. He works two jobs as a security guard and doesnt make a lot most of the time, which worried me. He applied for a job as a sheriff deputy but he is not sure if he will get it or not. If he does, it makes three times his salary. Anyways, I foolishly dropped out of college because of the stress and I won my parents over. They were so sad and miserable from screaming that they did everything in their power to be nice to me. I didnt want to spend any time with them though. I told my parents I want to move in with my boyfriend (he lives two hours from them) and they obviously didnt want me to do that, so I proposed a solution. A solution that, despite all my foolishness, proved a wise solution.. I told my parents I will test out living with him for just one week. So I packed my bags and left in October... Here I am today, still here. He didnt want me to leave after one week, so I stayed. Now, Ive been here for almost 3 months. Ive been wearing the same weeks worth of clothing for months now, my family calls me on occasion but its always very sad hearing how sad they are. The issue now though is not them, its my relationship with my boyfriend... I feel like Im a bad person. I feel like this was all a rush and if I could, Id do it over. When I first got here, I expected to cook and clean for him when he got home from work. I did that fine because I had the patience at the time. Unfortunately, I was scolded.. A lot. I still am. I feel like Im being treated like a child. Ive been scolded for Speaking too loud, Shrugging Saying OK too much Apologizing too much Sighing when Im lectured Swearing After time, I didnt want to clean the shit off his carpet anymore. I dont want to clean or cook for him after work. I want to be in college, living in a clean house. He is a writer and wants my help writing, but I dont want to help him in his future endeavours. Maybe Im selfish, but we dont have similar goals for the future. Everything I do seems to be wrong, I say the wrong thing, I do the wrong thing. I apologize but he keeps lecturing me like a broken record. We have been arguing the past few months. Sometimes I cant understand what he says because he has an English accent, so he says I choose to not understand him. If I act bad, he tells me to shut up. During arguments, he tells me to stand outside in the cold, to get out of the car, get out of his house, get out of his room, get out of his sight, sit on the floor beside the bed. Ive only been made to leave the room and sit on the floor before. I get up at 3 am or 5 a.m every day to make him coffee for when he goes to work, I hate doing it because its cold and early. I am happy I get to go back to sleep at least. He was a major in the army and has admitted to doing this relationship army style. I dont like it. I want to be on equal terms and I cant be. He told me if I didnt want to cook and clean for him he would do it himself, yet that makes me feel worthless and pathetic. Then theres an issue with retroactive jealousy. He was married twice. His first wife, Koren, died suddenly of blood poisoning about six years ago. He spoke very well of her saying she never would say anything bad about anyone. he told me how nice she was, how they slept in bed together, visited haunted places, had a haunted house, went on a hike, he told me how she liked being submissive in BDSM but didnt like bondage. He has a small picture of her in his room and I cannot stop looking at it. It has been eating away at my self esteem for a year now. I cry when he mentions her, it is incredibly stressful. She was from Australia, so I cannot even see the county the same. He told me you never stop loving your deceased loved ones, so thats a blow because i feel like Im constantly sharing him. And THAT makes me feel selfish and a horrible person. I just wish sometimes he could be with her instead and she was alive, so I wouldnt know him and wouldnt feel the jealousy and pain I feel now. I feel like a bad person because he tells me he wants me to be happy and wants whats best for me, so I feel like when I start arguments, say the wrong thing, or am upset with the relationship I am a horrible person. But in the end, I miss my family and I miss my friends. I miss little things like that. He said he would buy the train ticket so I could visit them for the holidays but I didnt want to because I didnt want to have to leave them again and deal with the misery all over.. My role is to clean and cook yet I cant seem to be able to do that properly. I sometimes half ass it and it gets him angry because he works hard at work and I just sit at his house and do nothing a lot of the time.... Im such a bad person. Some Times he makes jokes like Im gonna beat you with a stick or Im gonna strangle you I told him the jokes arent funny and he said its the English way to be facetious. I just fake laugh. The only time he hit me in anger was when he was on top of me once and I told him he was crushing me, I told him it hurt but he was talking and not listening, so I rolled over on my side and accidentally hit him in the teeth with my head. He slapped me. I said sorry many times. He said he knew it hurt and was sorry. In the past, he has made comments about POC and women that have upset me. He has made racist statements, and called other women fat or ugly. I told him this upsets me because I have body dysmorphic disorder and Im scared he will judge me like that if I gain weight, so I feel like I am scared to. When we shop in the store, I avoid buying any clothes because I feel guilty any time he spends money on me. Like he spent a lot of money on buying me fast food for the time Ive been here. Im guilty for that. Anyways, the worst part about that is I cant tell him in the store that I want him to not buy clothes because he told me he is happy when he buys me things but I dont think I deserve it. So he proceeds to make me try on jackets and things in the store. I tell him I think they dont look very good but I have to anyways. He replied with this jacket is too small, maybe you need a side med i thought he was implying I was gaining weight since I normally wear a small. I told him that and he said I was being silly. We have argued so much these days he told me if I dont change by mid January hes kicking me out. A part of me wants that because I want to go back home, I want to study law this next semester, get a part time job, and live with my grandmother so I can take care of her. I wont have to deal with the two active jealousy anymore and I can date a woman, like Ive wanted to. I dont know what to do or if Im a bad person. Ive been unfaithful multiple times and I feel bad for it because I dont think hes a bad person. I think Im a bad person. I hate myself. I miss it when I was a child. Last night I posted a status with sad lyrics in it and he got sad because I was sad. He argued with me and told me that all he wanted was for me to be happy, yet Im not and I feel guilty for it. Im the mean and bad one. He wants me to be happy and Im not happy because Id rather be in my hometown going to college and working, finding a woman or man who is equal in age and life experience to me. When he says things like love me, katie I feel like a bad person for withdrawing love. He just wants me to be happy in life, he says he values my intelligence and Mind. Im scared to tell him I want to break up, because I think hes a nice person but I think I really made a mistake in my life. When I tell him that, he says oh yes. Im a mistake. OK. Just like your mother. It breaks my heart to hear him say love me I told him I wanted to leave him and he said I would be worse without him
Posted on: Sun, 04 Jan 2015 06:12:19 +0000
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