In Memory of My Friend Kelley Hays by Jeff Wiles It was a Sunday evening. My wife and I had just sat down on the couch and were preparing to watch a movie with our children, when I received a frantic call from my sister-in-law. Kelley had just died. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Kelley? Dead? There had to be some kind of mistake. She was only thirty-nine years old. She was in our wedding, one of my wife’s best friends. There had to be some kind of mistake. But, as much as I wanted the news to be some form of miscommunication, it was not. Kelley was dead at the age of thirty-nine, leaving behind a husband and a young son. So many people were devastated by her death. Of course, her husband and young son were, but her parents were also. Kelley was their only child, and I know both of them adored her. When I walked into the family room at the hospital that night, I think I witnessed, for the first time in my life, tragedy in its purest form. A grieving husband that didn’t want to let go of the people that embraced him, a little boy in his baseball jersey that couldn’t stop crying, a mother on the verge of a nervous breakdown, a father in shock and not wanting to believe that what was happening was real. Now, I have lost loved ones also. I have buried all my grandparents, and I have buried my father. Those were tough losses. But Kelley’s death was different – I guess because she was so young and so pretty, and I just couldn’t imagine in my mind that she could be dead. To tell you the truth, I still have trouble accepting it. I keep asking God why, what good can come out of this tragedy? And I don’t know if I will ever have a clear answer. But, I can say this – Kelley’s death has exposed some areas in my life that need attention. For one, I take too much for granted. Maybe we all do. But, seeing Kelley lifeless in that coffin, this flaw in my character became ostentatiously apparent, and an intense guilt overwhelmed me. I had taken her friendship for granted. I first met Kelley when I began dating my wife, Kristi. She and Kelley were really close back then. They spent a lot of time together. And I remember how excited Kelley was when Kristi and I became engaged, I remember her helping Kristi choose her wedding dress and the dresses for the bridesmaids and the tuxedos for the men – by the way, that boosted her way up on my friendship list, pretty close to the top. And I remember, after we were married, how frequently Kelley visited our home, sometimes just stopping by for a few minutes, sometimes joining us for cookouts. We were never upset when she visited. We laughed more when she was there, we had more fun when she was there. And then Kelley met her future husband, David. I must admit that it took a while for David to grow on us – he was an import from north of the Mason-Dixon line, after all. But, despite that deficiency, we soon were friends with him also. I remember going out to eat with them at Applebee’s every Sunday night after church. I remember weekend cookouts. We had so much fun together. And let me assure you that Kristi and I are not very sociable people, but there was something different about Kelley and David. We always felt comfortable around them, we always felt like we could be ourselves around them. And then things just started happening that hindered the opportunities we had to be together. David and Kelley married and had a child, Kristi and I had a child and then another and then another. Kelley was working weird hours, I was working weird hours, Kristi was working on her Masters Degree. And, consequently, we began to see less and less of each other. And when we saw them at church or at a ball game, we would always say that we needed to get together some time. But I am ashamed to say that years have passed since we have been out with them. Simply put, our lives became too busy. And I just assumed that the day would come when our lives would settle a bit, and we would have more opportunities to get together. But that day never came. And I think that is a common problem in the culture of today – busyness. We allow the busyness of life to interfere with our relationships with others. And not only does the busyness of life hinder our relationships with old friends, in many cases, it hinders our relationships with our spouses and our children and our parents and even our relationship with Christ. Kelley’s death revealed to me how much I took for granted, how much we all take for granted. Each moment we spend with our children, each moment we spend with our spouses, each moment we spend with our friends – those moments are to be cherished. And the challenge for me, perhaps for all of us, is to include more of these moments in our lives, and not allow the frantic pace of today’s society to rob us of the joy of these precious moments. But not only did Kelley’s untimely death expose my tendency to take things for granted, her death also reminded me how much the little things we do for others matter. Kelley never held a prominent position in the community. She was never a member of the town council, she was never the chairwoman for the PTO, she never ran for any political office. She was just an ordinary woman with a husband and a son. In fact, to the best of my knowledge, she never held a prominent position in the church. She sang in the choir sometimes, she played the organ, she helped in Children’s Church. But she was never the director of women’s ministry or the head of the hostess committee, and she never led a mission group. In fact, there didn’t seem to be anything extraordinary about her life. But, for some reason, over 700 people visited a funeral home to get a final glimpse of Kelly and to offer their condolences to her family. More people were at the visitation of this seemingly ordinary woman than any other visitation in the history of that funeral home. And there have been visitations for some very popular people at that funeral home, some very wealthy people, some successful businessmen, some people that held local political offices. But none of them drew the crowd that Kelley did. So what was it about Kelley’s life that caused people to stand in line for two to three hours? Well, I cannot be certain of the reason. I didn’t take an exit poll. But I can tell you what I suspect, and what I suspect is that Kelley’s gift of doing the little things was what drew that crowd, because the little things that Kelley did touched people personally. I remember Kelley being there for the birth of our first two children. As I have said before, my wife and Kelley were very close back then. But seven years passed before we had our third child. And, even though my wife and Kelley were still friends, the telephone calls and visits had slowed. Still, Kelley wanted us to call her when my wife went into labor. So we did. I called her two days before Christmas in the year 2006 as I was driving my wife to the hospital. But I didn’t expect that Kelley would come immediately as she had during the birth of our first two children. After all, she had a child of our own by then, and I am certain that Christmas was a busy time for her and her family. I suspected that she would probably come for a brief visit the next day. But, not long after my wife had been admitted to the hospital, Kelley came walking through the door. And, when Kristi’s legs began going numb after her placenta had been ruptured, the person massaging her legs was Kelley, the person doing all she could to comfort my wife was Kelley, not the Chairman of the Deacons, not the Sunday School teacher, not the Director of Women’s Ministry, just simple and ordinary Kelley. The next day, some people sent us some flowers and cards and we received a few phone calls, but I cannot tell you who sent the flowers and I cannot remember who called us or sent us a card. What I can tell you is who was there in that room two nights before Christmas massaging my wife’s legs. Why? Because that was personal, what Kelley did was hands-on assistance – literally. And that sort of personal gesture is an area in which we all struggle. I know that I do. We don’t mind giving to world missions, we don’t mind bringing canned goods for the local soup kitchen, and we don’t mind donating a portion of our paychecks to a charity of our choosing. But all of those actions, as important as they may be, are just indirect ways of helping. We don’t mind the donating, as long as someone else does the work. What is missing in our society and in our churches, I believe, is the lack of personal and direct deeds of kindness. But those personal deeds are what leave the lasting impressions. Those types of personal deeds are what impact people. And Kelley was good at that, doing the little things, the personal things. As I watched the throes of people standing in line at that funeral home, I wondered how many acts of kindness Kelley had done in her short life. And I also wondered how many times I had the opportunity to do an act of kindness and chose the indirect and impersonal way instead, just because that way was easier. I don’t know why the Lord chose to take Kelley away from us at such a young age. None of us do. We probably never will until we get to heaven. But her death did open my eyes to my own immortality. I guess we all think there is going to be a tomorrow, another chance to play with our children, another chance to embrace your spouse, another chance to call on a friend. Kelley probably thought that she had many tomorrows remaining. But we never know. I know this, though – one day will be our last day on earth. And what will matter is not the size of our bank account or how many square footage is in our house or how many promotions we receive at work. What will matter are the relationships we have with the people God has placed in our life. Your spouse, your children, your parents, your friends, and even your in-laws have been placed in your life for a reason, so nurture those relationships. Don’t let the busyness of life rob you of the joy of these relationships. I allowed that to happen. I never told Kelley how much I appreciated her being my friend and being my wife’s friend. And now I will never get that chance, not here on earth anyway. I took her for granted, and I pray that I will not make that mistake again. I also pray that I will spend more time searching for opportunities to do more personal acts of kindness, like Kelley did often in her short life. And the sad truth is those opportunities are not scarce. In fact, there are probably some inserted into each of our days. Sure, it is easier just to make a check out to world missions or to donate a box of canned goods to the soup kitchen, but those indirect ways of helping never procure the feeling that comes from personally and directly helping a friend or a loved one or even a stranger that is in need. It is like receiving a homemade gift for Christmas. We remember those gifts much longer than we do gifts bought from a store. And the deeds we do for others can have a tremendous impact upon their lives. Remember what Jesus said in Matthew 25: 35-36. Those acts he mentioned were not indirect ways of helping others, but direct and personal ways to express the love of Christ to others. And doing these simple deeds will not only influence others, they will also enrich our lives. Those little things that Kelley did for my wife and me, they will be remembered by us forever, as will the little things she did for others, and they will be remembered by God. I realize that her passing was a tragedy for the ones that loved her. But her life was not a tragedy. I am certain that the thirty-nine years she was here on earth were filled with many acts of kindness, most only recognized by her and God. And, in heaven, crowns will not just be given to pastors and missionaries and deacons and Sunday School teachers, they will be given to all of us that enter into His kingdom. And I am certain that Kelley received many, including one that may have a strange inscription on it that reads – For massaging the legs of a friend in labor. Now, I know people say that God uses tragedies to teach us lessons. But it was not the tragedy of Kelley’s death that taught me lessons. It was her life.
Posted on: Wed, 03 Jul 2013 13:27:45 +0000
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