In front of the house I grew up in, I seethe. A rotting, violent place. I said I wouldnt return last time, but I let guilt trump conviction. I stay in the car and leave it running, carbon footprint be damned. My inner childs trauma body says I must be ready to escape. I attempt to ground and center, calm my heart. I attempt to imagine encircling the haunted house with light. I attempt to imagine surrounding the abusers inside with love and forgiveness. I attempt to remember that all the darkness there formed my light. I attempt gratitude. All attempts met with rage - raring, long repressed. I cannot yet forgive the men in my family who hurt me, my mother, my grandmother, and countless other women. I cannot forgive my abused mother and grandmother for coddling their abusers at the expense of their childrens safety. I would like to forgive my family before I die. I do not want to have to clear this shit in another incarnation!!! More counseling necessary! If I could just release all the attachments, mine and those encoded in my genetic lineage. All the memories of pain, shame, grief. If I could just see it as a holographic projection constructed for my illusory individuated consciousness vibratory ascension… If I could just transcend the density, see source, unity. I think Ill take myself out for sushi and primal scream on the highway.
Posted on: Sat, 09 Aug 2014 17:36:56 +0000