In the days leading up to the shutdown. I may have over those days leading up to, and through the government shutdown thrown around some rather derisive terms to talk about those in Congress that have not funded the government over a passed law, they didn’t like, going into effect. I might have mentioned the words idiot, dunderheads, douche bag, babies that eat their own poop. Babies that eat their own poop, and then poop out that poop and then hold that poop in the air and yell, you again! And then eat their poop. I may have also called them Taintsniff McGillicudies. My point is, I would like to apologize. I may have been WAY too easy on them. Several days now into the shutdown that the House Republicans, they themselves caused. They had the balls to take to the people’s chamber and complain about the shutdown’s effects. Lest you think their complaints echoed concerns about the shutdown hurting our nation’s most vulnerable citizens, rest assured these bald eagle flexors had other things on their mind. Cue Rep. Mike Simpson, Republican, Idaho -- “Families that long ago made plans to visit The Statue of Liberty or Yosemite found these sites shuttered today. I went to e-verify, this is a computer program, e-verify is unavailable due to the federal government shutdown…” Dude first off, the national parks staffing is scaled down for the offseason as those families children should be in an underfunded classroom. Dumb ass. Yeah, that was another term I used. Wait, a confused Rep. Tim Walberg, would like to chime in -- “...it’s a computer, the panda cam at the zoo it was shut down. That’s a camera. It’s not a federal employee.” Here’s the part of his speech C-SPAN didn’t broadcast -- “I mean, there I am in my panda costume all set to pleasure myself. I turn on the panda cam and NOTHING! Then I feel like a jackass. What am I supposed to do? Masturbate to koalas? Come on! You know I can’t do that. Their eyes are too sad and judgmental. Hey koala’s! Don’t judge me! You eat eucalyptus.” Sorry, I wasn’t insinuating a congressman masturbates to pictures of pandas. More galling than the house Republicans misplaced ill-prioritized outrage is their insistence that the party that has run the last 40 years or so on the idea that government is the enemy, is saddened to see the government crippled like this. I can hear them, face in front of a bank of microphones -- Is that orange-faced Johnny B? It is! “I didn’t come here to shutdown the government. It’s clear that President Obama and Harry Reid would rather shut the government down.” Now comes young one, Rep. Marlin (Really? Marlin you saw the inside of a lot of lockers and bottoms of toilet bowls with that name!) -- “For them to say this is a Republican shutdown is unbelievable.” Go ahead. Your turn Texas Republican Rep. Randy Weber -- “We want the government open.” Georgia’s native son, Rep. Rob Woodall -- “We don’t want the government to shut down. That narrative is false.” Let’s hear from a woman, Rep. Trey Gowdy, South Carolina -- “It’s only the Democrats that talk about wanting to shut down…” More women’s power, Rep. Virginia Foxx, North Carolina -- “It’s only the Democrats that talk about wanting to shut down…” First, I call bullsh--. I’m sorry, but did you catch the company line near the end there? When did the big government Democrats, become the no-government democrats? Those self-righteous zebra queffs. You know what kind of score that would get me in Scrabble©? Six weeks ago, there was a letter that floated the idea of using, to paraphrase James Madison, the power of the purse as a weapon to redress grievances. Laying out a plan to “de-fund the implementation and enforcement of Obamacare in any...continuing appropriations bill” -- Essentially saying, if you ever want to see your beloved panda cam again, you will lose it. That letter was signed by 80 house Republicans. It was the most obvious giveaway of what they were planning since the guy on Prison Break showed up in jail with a map of the jail tattooed on him. So enough. Enough pretending. Stop trying to photo-op your way out of responsibility for this shit storm. Like the picture of all of you sitting at a table waiting for the Senate Democrats to join you, to quote Rep. Eric (I confuse myself with Jefferson) Cantor -- “...so we can begin to resolve our differences.” The photo and moment I speak of and the group of Republicans, looks like a focus group for a high-fiber breakfast cereal. I’m kidding. Actually, that group looks like the Republican Congressional Committee for Women’s Issues. By the way, what was that meeting those same sphincters attended three years ago? The one on February 25, 2010, on health insurance regulation. You know, when you sat down with the President to hash out your differences. If I can remember it. Why can’t you? I can’t tell if you -- inflexible golden age of America that never existed fetishizing zebra queffs -- I’m going to reuse zebra queffs -- I can’t tell if they’re dumb or think we are. Let’s answer the question. These guys were clamoring months and months, “We’re going to de-fund Obamacare or not fund the budget. Now they’re saying, what? ‘We didn’t want anything to with this.” They think we’re stupid. Are they stupid? What’s going on? It’s quite simple. They think you’re stupid all right, and I mean everybody. But, these guys are risking a tremendous backlash, you say. Let me correct you there. Actually, they are risking absolutely nothing. Look, Congress already has a 90% incumbency rate along with a 10% approval rating. The only previous instance of that level of disapproval combined with that level of market retention is Time-Warner Cable. That’s the only on-record instance. Yes, you are reading me correctly, I’m saying Congress is the Time-Warner Cable of democracy? I know that’s incredibly harsh, but it’s also incredibly fair, and through the time-honored tradition of electoral corruption and gerrymandering; that makes those guys and gals invincible. Let me prove invincibility to you -- Like the congressional redistricting that looks on a map like a witch being electrocuted inside a bat’s vagina -- Louisiana’s Sixth Congressional District. It makes no obvious physical sense. When it was redrawn in 2010, the white majority increased from 60 to 74%, taking it from Republican to Turbo-Republican. It’s represented by Bill Cassidy, one of the 80 reps that signed that letter, and who won in 2012 with a Saddam Hussein-like nearly 70% margin of victory. He’s just one of Congress’ new dangerous breed of Super Incumbents. Even if his actions are unpopular at a national level, he pays no price electorally. If you can’t understand that, then maybe you will understand this -- He’s an Electoral X-Man. He can shoot down the government, refuse to raise the debt ceiling, poison a basket of kittens in front of another basket of kittens, and unlike Obama, Cassidy would be fine. So this is, I think, our only hope, that enough of the remaining Republican Congressman sack up, and combine with enough Democrats to go against these mutants and electorally wipe them out for good, for the good of our representative democracy. That’s our only hope. Yeah, right. That’ll happen.
Posted on: Mon, 07 Oct 2013 19:59:31 +0000
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