It is not a matter of being who I am because that person will never be known to me. It is a matter of becoming who I think I ought to be. I nurture that which takes me closer to being what I believe to be a better person. This is a concerted effort from me. Some people want a better job, or better house, or a better car. I want a better me. Because I believe that is the only thing I can do for myself. For my peace of mind and in submission to a dark past. Seeing yourself as less than is the best way to take a journey towards being more than. In my case more than is a daily struggle, a struggle to be more than I was yesterday. It is in moments of struggle, and our reactions to those struggles that are most indicative of who we really are. Being natural is not an option for me because being natural means that I must hurt the people around me. That is where I feel comfortable. When I am in a position to take and not give. My natural self is dark in many ways. I will not be this person. I will not submit to my natural state. This is my journey. I lived so long in darkness. Feeling anger and hate and resentment. Although I cannot control my emotional states, I can control my actions while in them. This entirely intellectual awareness of my limited emotional range is in many ways as intense as those emotions themselves. Although, in the traditional sense, I do not feel a full range of human emotion. I am aware of their existence and how they influence my decisions. With this understanding of why I act the way I act, I move towards a more cerebral position of existence. Thinking before I speak instead of the opposite, so on and so forth. Thinking so hard in fact, so exacting in my analysis of my subdued emotions, that I am coming to a point where not feeling them is becoming less of an issue when interacting with others. Emotion is a natural part of life. However emotions are there to tell us what to do as much as they are telling us what not to do. That is my biggest problem. My emotions so often incite me to do the wrong thing that I cannot trust them. They only way to rise above my petty nature is to examine every instance that my emotional state has negatively affected either myself or those around me. These instances are uncomfortably common in my past. So numerous and somewhat severe are these instances that I know I cannot allow myself to live in such a way. It is detrimental to myself and destructive to those unfortunate enough to be caught in one of my schemes. I have hurt a lot of people and I have done so with little to no guilt or shame. Simply put, I didnt care. The only thing that I can do for those people is commit to learning from these instances and willfully detracting myself from them in the future. It is a never ending journey, and in reality still only speaks of my greed. For so long I was greedy for what my body and mind wanted. Now I am greedy for what my soul needs to heal. Whether or not I will ever achieve this is beyond me. One thing is for certain, it will never happen if I never try. It is not for me to decide if it is enough. But it is, in my opinion, the best thing that I can do to resolve the mistakes of my past.
Posted on: Mon, 05 Jan 2015 21:24:54 +0000
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