It might seem tastless to publicly say this on facebook, but since we had already announced that I was pregnant this seems like the most efficient way to let everyone know without my heart breaking a little bit more every time I have to tell someone in person. On Thursday I found out that my babys heart had stopped beating. It was way smaller than it should have been at 11 weeks and the doctor said the heart probably stopped at shortly after 7 weeks. I at first did not realize what was going on because the ultrasound technician was not permitted to tell us. When I realized what she was saying without really saying it, tears started to run down my face. Kamron grabbed my hand and told me it was going to be okay. When we were left to wait for the doctor to give us some options, thoughts of what the reasons for this could be or what I did wrong were running like crazy through my head. And although the doctor told me that nothing I did could have caused this it still plagues my mind. I never would have thought that a miscarriage could affect me this much. It is something you can only understand if you go through it yourself. It is extremely painful and its burning a hole in my heart. Although the pregnancy was not planned and some might say that an embryo is not a baby ... It still felt like it and it feels like death especially after seeing the heart beat at the first ultrasound appointment, after allowing myself to be excited about the arrival, and after having hopes and dreams for my unborn child. It feels silly to have all these feelings about a miscarrige especially when everyone says it is common and normal and better this way. But it still hurts like nothing has ever hurt before.
Posted on: Tue, 07 Oct 2014 20:21:00 +0000
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