Ive been debating writing about this for some time now. But as it goes in one of my favorite motivational songs right now... Im not afraid To take a stand Everybody Come take my hand Well walk this road together, through the storm Whatever weather, cold or warm Just letting you know that youre not alone Holler if you feel like youve been down the same road So here it goes... The surname McMinds means son of minds. Which my family takes very proudly. And why shouldnt we? The power of thought is the most powerful tool that a human possesses. A thought can construct masterpieces or destroy everything in its path. When I started my business I had enthusiasm and was optimistic about everything. When someone would ask why and how I was going to buy a certain tool or attempt to make a certain goal, I would just laugh and say why not? My mind was fixed. I knew why I made the decision and why it was going to work, and it did. About a year to a year and a half ago, about the time I purchased Logs to Lumber and all the tools that came with it were breaking down left and right because of improper maintenance, my optimism changed to pessimism and my pessimism turned to depression after I tore my collar bone off my shoulder and was unable to do any physical work myself. Debts kept piling up, jobs kept falling behind and I kept mentally breaking myself. The more I thought things werent going to go right, the more I didnt do, the more I didnt do, the more that didnt go right. It was a vicious circle that was more like a vortex pulling me further and further down. That is until my wife kicked my ass and told me I needed to see the doctor. The doctor gave me meds which worked for a while but didnt do anything to change my thought process. So I slipped into my vortex again the last few months. Yet again, my wife kicked my ass and went with me to the doctors so he knew how serious the issue was. He brought up the idea of a therapist and told me that the best way to get through depression was with both medicine and mental therapy. I looked at my wife and thought it couldnt make things any worse than they already are... The next week I was walking into the therapists office expecting to be the guy laying on the couch talking about my issues with a guy muttering hmmm, interesting and sketching a cartoon on his notepad... (Seriously, if only I had my wifes artistic ability I would sketch the drawing I saw of myself in my mind...) But in this tiny room there was no couch. The first thing he told me was that this was going to be a team venture between the two of us. He would help me figure out what I needed to work on but I needed to do the work. I was the one that needed to change my thought process. No one else can do that for me. My optimism started to return. He made it clear that I was not alone in my struggle (which I knew with all the other people in my life behind me, but I never felt anyone understood what I was feeling) but I had to want to change in order to change. The next meeting we diagnosed my issues... The good news was I didnt have bipolar disorder but I did have major depressive disorder (which I knew) and extreme anxiety (which I had been denying). I saw a video a while back that described depression as a black dog. The problem with this theory is that dogs are not something you want to get rid of. Dogs are a pet that you keep with you. Shortly after I had posted this video my wife made the observation that it looked like I was just accepting my depression and thats it. The world needs to deal with it Im a depressed person. This made me start thinking about the way I was acting and she was right. I wasnt trying to fight it I was just living with it like a pet dog. I made up my mind to fight it not live with it. Im viewing my depression as a troll or a vampire... Something that needs to be eliminated. Over the past few weeks I have been working on trying to turn around my thought process and focus on the good. I have also started reading more about depression and anxiety and learning how to overcome it. I am not going to let depression just be a part of me. I am going to kick depressions ass. Ive taken scrap melamine and turned them into signs that say no shop trolls and no energy vampires to remind myself and every one that comes in my shop that we are not going to be negative because that only holds us back. Criticism is fine as long as it is constructive and given with some form or way of improving. For instance, if someone in my shop were to say this techniques sucks or why are we doing it this way... that would be needless complaining. Instead, they could say This technique needs some improvement, why dont we try doing this instead... THAT is constructive criticism. My depressed mood, I feel, has definitely changed but Im still floundering with the anxiety. I have gotten to a point where I freak out when the phone rings. I never really liked talking on the phone before but now I assume, before even looking at the phone, that it is going to be something bad. Someone didnt like what I did, or someone wants something yesterday, or my bid must have been too high (even though I tend to low bid everything). So this last Monday we started addressing that problem in my counseling session, with the conversation that went pretty much as follows: Therapist: But what good does it do to avoid answering the phone Me: None, but what... Therapist (cutting me off): That is an irrational thought Me (slightly irritated that he didnt allow me to finish): You didnt let me finish Therapist: You know nothing until you answer the phone, therefore, there is no but until you talk to the other person on the other end of the line Me: What if I dont know when a part is supposed to come in, or when a tool is supposed to be fixed or when I will have the money to pay a bill? Therapist: Tell the person on the other end of the line that you dont know Me: When something isnt right I need to have an answer for the person. I do not know how to tell them that I dont know Therapist: But what if the person on the other end of the phone was not mad at all they just wanted to check in and see how you were doing Me: That hasnt been the case lately Therapist: And the reason for that is that you havent been answering your phone in the first place, so you are avoiding the person, which makes them irritated, then you dont answer the phone a second time and it makes them mad. SO, if you ever get to the point of actually picking up the phone you are the reason they are angry Therapist: We are running out of time today but I know your homework for the next week... Me: Im assuming answering the phone? Therapist: Think you can handle that? Me: Ill do my best Because that is what I am going to do. My best. Every day. Little by little. One step at a time I will improve. I will grow mentally stronger. I will answer the phone (granted, I cant really answer it when Im running a saw...but I will return the call as soon as I can!) Like I said at the beginning, Ive been debating writing about this for some time now. But I feel as though Im getting better. Even if it is slowly. I am getting better. I do not care if people judge me for the issues I have. I would rather be judged and help someone else who has the same issues I do than do nothing and let that person suffer. I will complete my goals. I will dominate my demons. With the power of positive thinking and a little help from the man with my favorite lyrics right now, Eminem... Im not afraid To take a stand Everybody Come take my hand Well walk this road together, through the storm Whatever weather, cold or warm Just letting you know that youre not alone Holler if you feel like youve been down the same road I have more on my mind right now but Ive already made this quite long and I may just have to write more of these as I learn and grow...
Posted on: Wed, 12 Nov 2014 02:15:01 +0000
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