Ive been facing a lot of hard truths lately about life, my life. i think that reading this book is flushing out some negative feelings toward myself, in accepting how absolutely pathetic my life really is. i know i have to accept that my life was for the most part a waste of time for the last 23 years, almost all of the blame squarely placed on me. i know its my fault i ended up this way. there is no way around it, i have started taking responsibility for this and its been a shitty at best situation. ive lost something that made me me, i know its only a matter of time before i find a new dream or goal in life, i just never figured that i should have picked a new dream before destroying my old one. honestly i have a panic attack about once a week. i worry about so many things, friends, family, the world, and my future. i realize that worrying about these things is making me lose out on the present. which i do not like. and at the same time, new found anxiety in social situations leaves me a lonely mute. i dont know what my problem is, i used to be so outgoing christ i did stand up comedy at one point. now i get anxiety attacks when 3 people walk into a bar, or when i see a pretty girl making eyes at me. i can be disarmed with a smile, its pathetic. im so far out of my comfort zone these days, i dont know why, but i thought it would get easier sooner, but alas, somedays i just end up an evil vindictive prick. who hates all living things and overall other things myself. i feel somewhat cursed, or at least doomed to wander. no matter how much positivity i throw out at life some days the gremlins are just working against me. and those days i always end up in the same place i started. i know people love me, i know it. i know i should be happy for what i have, health, family, friends. which i am truly grateful for. your all responsible for me still being around. but there are two kinds of love, and i have never truly felt the other. ive never felt needed. or wanted, most of the time im just tolerated. i dont know why i am airing this dirty laundry for all of you too see, but i dont have anyone to confide in. ive lost touch with alot of people over the years and im genuinely sorry for that. take it for what its worth, and go about your day.
Posted on: Sat, 25 Jan 2014 15:15:05 +0000
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