I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. MY SECRETARY, FOLLOWING A BARBARIC BEAVER BEATING THAT SLOUGHED OFF HER UTERINE LINING MORE EFFECTIVELY THAN HER OWN MENSTRUAL CYCLE, INFORMED ME THAT MY TWO LEAST FAVORITE ARTISTS, 311 AND SCOTT STAPP, WERE RECENTLY INVOLVED IN A SCUFFLE. HISTORICALLY A MEDIATOR, I FLEW IN MY LEARJET TO MEET THE TWO BANDS. THE TWO GROUPS WERE WHINING LIKE ANNA NICOLE SMITH AFTER INHERITANCE MONEY UNTIL I PREPPED THE MEMBERS OF 311 FOR THE IMPENDING IMPALEMENT WITH A COMPREHENSIVE COATING OF NUT NECTAR, GLUING THEM TO THE GROUND. AFTER SUSTAINING A BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA TO THE HEAD FROM MY CROTCH CRUSHING CONCUSSION CANE, STAPP WAS TAKEN ‘HIGHER’ THAN EVER BEFORE AS HE WAS BOUNCED LIKE A BABY UPON THE Z-MAN’S TWO-TON TROUSER-SCHNAUZER, WHILE THE 311 MEMBERS WERE HELD CAPTIVE BY THEIR OWN ASSHOLES LIKE BOWLING BALLS. THE FORCE FROM MY CULVERT-SIZED COCK SPLITTING STAPP APART WAS ENOUGH TO CAUSE HIM TO DEVELOP DUAL PERSONALITY DISORDER. AS STAPP PROCEEDED TO BLEED TO DEATH, MY STEADFAST SLUT-SPEARING SON-SIRING SKINFLUTE BURST THROUGH THE LEAD SINGER’S BVD’S, CAUSING HIM TO BREAK OUT INTO A RAPE-INSPIRED RENDITION OF ‘COME ORIGINAL’. I COULD ONLY INTERPRET HIS SINGING TO INDICATE IT WAS TIME TO FINISH UP, SO I BURIED THE ALT-ROCK GREAT IN A GOOEY GRAVE OF GONAD GOULASH. MY GROIN YETI IS NOW THE SIXTH MEMBER OF 311, I GUARANTEE IT.
Posted on: Thu, 26 Sep 2013 22:57:23 +0000
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