I’ve had a crush on this woman for about a month. We’ve gone out several times, and we seemed to be hitting it off. Then she starts to back away. I decide its best to completely back off: no telephone, no Facebook, no texting. I still run into her because we’re in the same social circles. This makes it hurt more. Then, it comes to my attention that I’m not the only one who’s interested in this woman, there’s another. I’m the good guy, the safe guy; I don’t feel like I fare well in these types of competitions. I don’t want to risk my heart any more than I need to trying, but I hate to just give up. Should I go for it, or should I gracefully exit? Greg Hi Greg, It seems to me, based on your actions, that you’ve already given up. No telephone, no Facebook, no texting! What message do you think you’re sending; that you’re interested in pursuing a relationship with this woman? She’d have to be psychic! Right about now she’s probably having the, “Is he just not that into me?” talk with her girlfriends or perhaps she’s writing a, “Dear Lauren: Is He In His Cave?” letter. This woman is trying to find the right man for her. She wants someone to sweep her off her feet and make her happy. By not showing your interest you have confused her AND put yourself out of the running. By god man, if she means something to you, stay in there! It’s important to keep in mind that she probably doesn’t know what to do about her multiple suitor situation either. Lets see, eeny meeny miny moe, which man will make her the happiest? No, that doesn’t sound right. Remember, her hesitations come from her insecurities. Do not take her ambivalence personally. You say you’re the nice guy like it’s a bad thing. Well, its not high school anymore. You don’t have to ride up on a motorcycle to get the girl. She will choose the man that makes her the happiest. All you can do is put your best foot forward: be chivalrous, kind, considerate, and thoughtful, plan dates and show her you are interested. Bring her a rose for no reason, plan a picnic and carry all the fixings, sweep her off her feet. (If she says yes to your advances, don’t muck up your chances by being her best friend. I believe the best relationships on earth are based in friendship but what I am saying here is: don’t become another one of her girlfriends! If you cross that line you’ll never get into her pants.) You’re persistence in pursuing her (not stalking!) will help her to work through her ambivalence. Check out my column and video, “Am I too Clingy?” for great techniques in how to pursue a woman without coming across as needy or pushy. Unfortunately there are rarely clear signs of when pursuing becomes too aggressive. You have to consider that it’s just as hard for her to say no to you, as it is for you to feel hurt and rejected. And again, she may not know who she wants to choose. Ask her out anyway. You say you don’t want to risk your heart but the reality is: love is a numbers game. In sales you pitch to 25 people before you get a taker. To expect a sale each time you pursue a woman would be setting yourself up for sure disappointment. C’mon man, no pain no gain. No risk no reward. Put your gloves on and get back in the ring! We are all rooting for you!
Posted on: Sat, 03 Aug 2013 12:52:36 +0000
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