January is probably the most difficult month for me. Today is the anniversary of my dad passing away, and January 22nd is the anniversary of my moms passing. Normally I would keep to myself on days like today, pretend its another normal day and not tell anyone what is going on. I got pretty damn good at smiling and pretending everything was fine while breaking apart inside. The difference now is that Im not scared anymore. I dont care what someone thinks or doesnt think of me. But I know I think of my dad and mom every single day, and there isnt a moment I dont wish they were still here. So if I want to honor their memory and short lived life, I will. I definitely dont need permission from anyone except myself. Dear daddy, I miss you. I miss you so so much it hurts. I never stopped missing you for 12 years and I dont think Ill ever stop completely. You were the best dad in the whole world, and everyone knew it. You engraved many ideals in my head at a very young age. Manners, to be polite always, to mind my ps and qs, and ultimately you taught me how to have respect. It didnt matter who it was or whether I knew them or not. Even despite someones lack of respect, there were no exceptions to this rule. I should always be the bigger person (and it has always and will always be figuratively speaking). I was taught to understand that some people werent shown how to respect one another properly, and thats okay, love them anyways. You home cooked just about every single meal except for the occasional stop at your friends pizza place near school. Junk food of any kind shape or form was forbidden and heavily frowned upon (😩) playing a minimum of three sports at a time was pretty standard protocol in the DiMattina household. Along with piano lessons at least twice a week while practicing at home every.single.day. One of my biggest regrets is giving up the piano after you passed away. I was an angry and hurt 10 ½ year old who was just abandoned by the only parent that was capable enough to take care of me. So I know you forgive me, and Ive forgiven myself. But I havent forgotten my passion for music, and I will be damned if I ever let it slip away again. I really want to acknowledge the amazing man you were and thank you for instilling your best qualities in me to carry for the rest of my life. Though youre no longer here in physical form, youve set an unfairly high bar for any man I should decide to marry one day. You taught me that the single most important priority in life should first and always be your children. Never once did you let your own friends, hobbies or selfish desires get in the way of raising me. I never saw you disrespect my mom, no matter how difficult she would be. Not once did you let another woman distract you, until I begged you to let Miss Tammy come over for a play date. The start and end to my matchmaker days, and the rest is history! Point being, I love you, and you loved me in every way you knew how. Unfortunately a love that pure and strong had a short time here on earth. I know you are still with me here, somewhere. Whether its the sunshine on my shoulders, smile on my face or love in my heart- youre everywhere and youre a beautiful guardian angel. I wont drive faster than you can fly, until one day itll be my time to say goodbye. Ultimately as human beings, old and new souls, we exist as a whole. That means were all in this together, whether you believe it or not. Every single one of us is a miracle and we should seize every opportunity to shine anothers light that might be flickering and dimmed. I believe the sole purpose of our existence is love: only to love, and be loved in return. So, forget the world. Start with yourself. And repeat after me, When my power to love, unapologetically and unconditionally, overcomes my egos love of power, that is when I am truly whole and can always find peace. I am so grateful for all the amazing people in my life. Especially thankful for my baby girl Capri. She has consistently shown me unconditional love and how to love her. Something that I thought was gone when my parents died, was brought back to life by the love of an animal. And that made all the difference. Everything I am and everything Im not, I owe to all the beautiful souls in my life. Even the ones I havent met yet, I know one day youll make a mark on me and I will be forever changed, never the same again. Take the time to love yourself. Youre worth it, every single one of you. I truly mean that. Self-love is a journey that has no specific destination, only one request to enjoy the journey. For anyone that takes the time to read this incredibly lengthy praise and dedication, thank you. I hope all your dreams come true and you find days you fall in love with being alive - GRR Rest in peace daddy and mommy. I love you both forever and ever.
Posted on: Wed, 07 Jan 2015 02:29:56 +0000
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