June 14, 2013 9 treatments down…19 to go. I’m glad it’s Friday. It’s been a busy week and my body is starting to really feel the effects. I intend to sleep a LOT tomorrow LOL. I like being busy…it makes me feel like the fatigue is the result of real work. Yesterday I laid down for about an hour during the day at my wonderful boss’s urging. After that I went to my treatment, came home and fell asleep on the couch again, woke up and ate dinner with Sonny (Thank you MAYS Hospice for sending IDT leftovers), fell back asleep on the couch, then woke up at 2:30 and crawled in bed to promptly fall asleep again. I didn’t wake up until almost 8 this morning so I should be rested LOL. I am really enjoying our air conditioner this year, although I’m sure I’ll hate it when I get the bill for June LOL. We’ve kept it set on 72 this year and so far it’s working wonderfully. Yesterday I was thinking about last summer when I worked with the windows open in 103 degree heat because it didn’t work. I am so grateful for God’s mercy in working it out so I’m going through cancer treatments this year instead of last year. It’s amazing when you look back over your life because if you look clearly you will always see the handprint of God guiding your life with little miracles along the way. God is always there even when we don’t think He is. There have been times over the past 7 years when I seriously wondered about this fact…but as quickly as the wondering came, I remembered to cling to God’s promise to never leave me nor forsake me. There have been times when I looked up and said “God…are you sure?”, only to burst out laughing as soon as the words left my mouth because ultimately I know He IS sure. I think that God wants us to search for the reason behind things that happen in our lives because when we do, we ultimately have to search for Him. The only place we will find the answers to the struggles in life is through God and His Word. There are so many beautiful things in the love letter God wrote for us so many years ago. This morning I look up on top of my desk and see the beautiful watercolor paintings Mrs. Cala gave me with scripture references on them. On one it has Psalms 92:2...“Thy loving kindness in the morning; thy faithfulness every night.” Another has Jude 2 “Mercy unto you, and peace, and love, be multiplied.” My favorite has a beautiful blue and orange bird with a pick iris which has Hebrews 13:6…”The Lord is my helper.” Those are just samplings of the comfort and peace that we can lean on during the trials in life if we just open the covers of His Word. I seriously wonder how people make it through these struggles without God…the true living God. There are watered down versions all over that people reach for but none of them give the peacefulness that the true God, Jesus Christ, gives us. One of my favorite movies is Facing the Giants. The first time I saw that movie the struggle the wife had about accepting God’s will for her childlessness screamed to me. I so understood her statement “How can you miss someone so much that you’ve never even met.” I still cry when I watch that part of the movie….but now I think the male character’s struggle calls to me. His struggle with feelings like “fear and failure” are surrounding him is so real sometimes…but what I’ve learned, and what his character learned, is that those feelings come from satan and are not real. God wants us to become weak so we can learn that His strength is much better than ours…and when we learn that lesson He can perform miracles. I guess that cancer is the biggest giant that I’ve ever faced and yet….it doesn’t feel big at all. It’s easier to rely on Him through the disease than it was to rely on Him in accepting that I would never have children. I’ve told many people that the surgeon who will perform the surgery this time around said that because I’ve never had children, this surgery will be easier to perform and easier on my body. She has a higher chance of being able to successfully remove the cancer, and to be able to reconnect the colon to the rectum so I won’t have the need of a colostomy bag. I’m very thankful for that honestly…but I must admit that if I had a choice I think I would have chosen the child. I still think that being a mother is not only the greatest gift a woman can have, but is also the greatest job a woman can ever have. I see the effect that the women around me have on the world through their children…and I know that is the best way to effect change in this world. I have one niece who walked 15 miles for a cure for breast cancer a few weeks ago…that will make a difference. I have another niece who is raising a set of twin boys…that will make a difference. My boss’s daughter is a nurse, saving lives every day…that will make a difference. Co-workers who have daughters of all ages and are teaching them how to have character and honor….that will make a difference. Every mother who ever thinks that she’s not accomplishing anything needs to only look in the face of her child….and know that she is making a difference. Motherhood is a gift and a responsibility bigger than any other. A mother will shape the life she helps bring into this world in a way no one else can…and if she allows God to lead her, that child WILL make a difference. The giants in life we face…whether disease, feelings of failure, financial or anything else…can only destroy us if we fail to look to God. I am thankful that every moment of every day through this path of cancer I have walked over the past few years, I have felt the presence of the Lord. It may sound weird, but the peace feels more real in all of this. Even though I don’t like having to go to doctors and hospitals for months on end, I do love knowing that peace. Romans 8:28…hmm…perhaps the storms are there to teach us what the peace feels like…I like that.
Posted on: Fri, 14 Jun 2013 14:42:48 +0000
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