Just Live Through It!............................... 11/14, 4:28pm Tara Pearson Person Im sitting here at this grave site wondering where did I go wrong Im suppose to protect him keep him from harm but as these tears roll down my face deep down in my heart I know hes in a better place.... Sunday Afternoon, our time to catch up on the goings on, you didnt have time that day, something about going to Mickey Dees for a Sundae with the H.S. sweetheart. Fast Forward, a couple of months later, we meet up during our lunch period, sit at our usual table to catch up on, the in and outs of our lives. I noticed you are quieter than usual, especially given the flurry of activity around us, and the latest gossip circulating through the hallowed halls of TJH. But, I still take no thought, until I see, your motionless stare, teary eyes. I stop, lean close to you and say whats wrong? You tremble, and say Im pregnant. What I did not know then, is that, not even an hour before, you had fallen off the examining room table, after the doctor, walked in the room to inform you and your mom, that infact you were pregnant. You fell down in tears, and as hurt and disappointed as she was, your mom lifted you up and reassured you things would be ok. Baby on board, you have now joined the long list of teenage moms. Teachers are talking and shaking their heads, friends who have been friends, now look at you like you got Cooties, Church folks are vicious and unrelenting. But, through it all you stood. I did not understand all that was going on with you then, because you always kept your fears and pains locked deep inside. I did however, know something about, sadness, shame, and pain. So, I loved you through by supplying you with peppermint, pickles, Susie Qs and cokes from D&L. (Note to self; forwarding you that bill; 9 months on a fixed income, I dont think so.) Baby Coming- We Knew he was Coming, but he was a slow one, everything always on his time from the start. We talked everyday while you were homebound, and then the day came, I rang you up, and no one answered; I immediately called the hospital, no secret baby coming. But they informed me you were walking the hallway to hasten his coming, and we got to talk. I never really thought about it then but I literally walked every step of the way with you. You kept walking, but he would not be moved, but rather came in his own time. It doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out why you named him Pokey……. He was a slow Pokey, but he was a handsome, healthy, loving, adorable baby, our gift……in an unexpectant season…. Navigating Motherhood- What to do, OMG, who knew mothers had instincts, you grew up overnight, shifted priorities, changed diapers, cleaned boogers, and participated in some type of weird babbling ritual full of coos and oohs and awes, wiped up vomit, and stayed up long nights nursing, tending, loving, watching, worrying, and preparing him for a world hostile to black skin, in a society dismissive of black manhood, and in a culture that promotes war and not peace, hate and not love. In a neighborhood where you learn early, to give as good as you get. Into dangers seen and unseen. There was also the constant shove back and forth, about what would be in his best interest, but you withstood that! Suddenly, I saw you different, it had been happening all along, WOW you really were Xaviers Mom, right from the start, no doubt about it. Every decision you made, despite the difficulties or consequences you made with his destiny in mind, even when he rebelled against it, and every single sacrifice you made, regardless of how big or small, helped him, to be better and he knew it. You amazed me then, and you amaze me now. Living Through it! Yesterday, you sat for hours at his graveside, pondering what you could have done to save his life, and wept uncontrollably because you failed to protect him. You inboxed me via Facebook, and for the first time, in 30 plus years, I chose not to keep what you shared, with me in confidence…………… I know every story, thats the blessing of Friendship, but I also know truth. Truth is, he was taken viciously from us by someone, who neither valued his life or the life he took. The truth is, there has not been a day in five years, that I have not seen that handsome face, or felt the pain of watching you punish yourself, for not being more, not being better, not holding him for the last time, and for feeling some kind of way about the last blow up you had, just before. Just before you called me, in agony, just before all your hopes for him went dark, just before he endured the ravishing pain of being pumped full of bullet holes, and then left to die alone, on a cold street, in an unfamiliar place. So here we are, how do you live through it? Forget the chorales of the well intended admonishing, you to get over it, or consoling you with the fact, that hes in a better place. Only one fact remains for you, and that is Xavier is no longer here, and it hurts like hell. I imagine you could have done better, we are not perfect people, but one thing I know for sure, is that he could not have had a better mother, and today just like all the other days my dear dear friend, I am praying God continues to give you the strength to Just Live Through It! But, I am especially praying for those who will never know, the true impact of the violence they have inflicted….because just one single act of violence, can spread like a vicious cancer, until it not only wipes out the life, of its intended victim; but takes the lives, of all those connected to them as well. We simply cannot afford, to allow this senseless violence, to diminish our hopes, destroy our peace, or define our realities! #stopkillingus! If you are reading this post today, send mad love to my bestie, Tara Pearson Person, who is not only in a difficult season, but today is her Birthday. God Overflow his purpose in you. #throughthestormsandrain
Posted on: Fri, 15 Nov 2013 15:03:53 +0000
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