Just finished watching the 2012 remake of Total Recall. I could probably have more profitably spent the past 2 hours smashing myself in the genitals with a ball-peen hammer. I wont say the original Schwarzenegger version was a paragon of filmmaking (Though it was a healthy specimen of the Late 80s / Early 90s Big Dumb Action Movie) but at least it had an internal logic and Paul Verhoevens patented black humor throughout. Sure Cohaagen was a cartoonish supervillain with a pack of psychotic thugs who would spray gunfire willy-nilly at the drop of a hat, but it made sense. The man had a planetary governorship, a mineral monopoly, and horde of alien artifacts to protect. Of course hes going to be a huge asshole with a pack psychotic thugs, hes a politician, industrialist, and hiding secrets that could advance humanity, its a goddamn supervillain hat-trick. Seriously, good dystopianism with interesting ideas and Verhoevens patented black humor in the first film. What do they bring forward in the remake? Throwaway gags with the 3-titted hooker and the two weeks lady at customs. In this version Quaid/Hauser must stop an invasion of free Australia by evil robots via a huge elevator punched through the core of the Earth. The evil robots are led by Walter White who is land-grabbing Australia because for some reason we can build elevators that go through the planets core but cant figure out how to clean up the chemicals thatre contaminating everything but England and Australia. Also Bryan Cranstons character has masterminded an intricate multilayered political plot to justify invading Australia but *repeatedly* fails to grasp the concept of put a bullet through Colin Farrells head before he escapes and kills all your thugs yet again throughout the film. I especially love how the setup for the final action sequence set-piece is Cranston putting Farrell in literally the exact situation in which Farrell escaped and killed like 50 of Cranstons thugs earlier in the film. Do you really think this pack of disposable mooks is somehow going to fare better than the other 4000 that have been scythed through in the previous 90 minutes of film? Seriously the guy gets his ass handed to him repeatedly by Kate Beckinsale, who despite being pretty badass in Underworld still weighs less than some dumps Ive taken. What kind of shitass cut-rate mercs and evil robots are you hiring, Mr. Cranston? However the movie reaches peak bullshit when several characters strive mightily, and even give their lives to keep Cranstons thugs from kicking the shit out of Colin Farrell. It is a well known fact that Farrells face is among the most punchable substances known to man, and the only person in the film who actually understands that is Kate Beckinsale who merrily spends 90% of the film smacking Farrell up like hes a streetwalker with short money. However, much as I love watching a douchebag of Colin Farrells caliber getting the shit beaten out of him by a 110lb Englishwoman, it wasnt enough to offset the fact that the rest of the film was an unmitigated flaming trainwreck.
Posted on: Sat, 22 Mar 2014 05:37:34 +0000
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