LAUGH TILL YOU DROP One day Kay narrated a story of a man from Kabale who woke up and went to wash his face, only for him to discover he was already dead. Kay’s schoolmates liked these fictitious stories a lot. Sometimes he would watch a boring movie, but then spice it up when narrating it so that everyone would think it was a great movie. Kay was a darling to the girls at school because of his humor. One day, while the students were in class after a boring mathematics lesson, he stood up, pointed at a classmate called Patience and then asked: “By the way who said ‘Patience pays’? For the last four months this girl owes me the money she promised to pay for my jokes.” The whole class broke into prolonged laughter. Kay talked about a certain man in his village who had a poor relationship with the Queen’s language. For that reason, he never drank tea in the morning because he had read a warning: ‘Don’t drink and drive’. This man would not kill rats at home because that was ‘Domestic Violence’. After a meal he would ask: “Bring me toothpaste,” to mean toothpicks. And on thanking people he would say: “Thank you for what have you done.” According to Kay, a story went in the village that one day this man was told by his wife: “My darling, you are very charming,” and he retorted: “I have never been to a witchdoctor’s shrine, so why would you think I am carrying charms?” The most popular joke regarded a man who got lost in Kampala and found himself standing along Market Street, just above the old taxi park, but could not locate the park. Then people asked: “Are you lost?” He answered: “No, I am not lost; me I am here. It’s the old Taxi Park which is lost.” And to make matters funnier, Kay would imitate how the man pronounced the word ‘lost’ as ‘rrrrrrost’, the way some people from Western Uganda speak. Kay and jokes were as inseparable as Siamese twins. One afternoon, an old truck came to that school and filled the compound with exhaust fumes. As soon as he saw it, Kay came running and asked the driver: “Mr. Man, are you driving a kitchen?” Another day Kay saw a pig passing through the school compound and screamed: “Look pork is running away.” Somehow, Kay had a way of unveiling the funny side of almost everything. He would make arguments like: “If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?” “English is a fake language,” he would argue, “How can you call something yellow Blue Band, a rare sense common sense, or a wet drink dry tea? How can someone who is pink be called a Whiteman and someone brown a Blackman? Isn’t it funny that we say ‘A man was kidnapped’ yet he’s a man and not a kid?” Kay also had jokes about names: “Some Ugandans don’t think so much about the names they give to their children. You find someone who is so harsh yet her name is Mercy, someone very turbulent called Peace, someone who is always the last in class called Clever or Bright, and someone who is so light-skinned called Night.” With Kay around, the word boredom didn’t seem to exist in the dictionary. He always had something to laugh about. One Monday, the students were doing a boring Chemistry assignment that the teacher had left. Kay stood up and said: “Monday is a bad day. The other bad days are Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.” The entire class laughed. He caught the attention of everyone with his great wit and humour. Asked where his home was, he would say: “It’s the UK,” before clarifying that he meant ‘United Kigezi’. And asked what his dream career was, he always said he would love to become a veterinary doctor because they are allowed to eat their patients. Kay was so funny that his friends always said he could make someone laugh on his own funeral. At school most girls liked him more than any other boy. They would find his poetry irresistible. Boys who wanted to impress girls would approach him for pick-up lines. So he would give them lines like: “Thy words fill all the emotional potholes of my heart! Aren’t you another angel that escaped from heaven? Which district of heaven were you living in before you were downloaded to install happiness on my heart?” And, “Didn’t your feet hurt when you landed from heaven?” Nyamishana could never forget the very first day she met Kay when she had just joined the school. Kay had exclaimed: “Eeeeeeeh! Isn’t it illegal to look this pretty? Who created you? Did your mother bribe God? I have a feeling you were manufactured from the same materials as ice cream. That smile on your face speaks so many languages. Maybe I should always walk behind you with a receipt book, charging whoever looks at your smile! Do you feed on tomatoes only or do you iron your skin? It’s so smoooth!” Nyamishana couldn’t contain herself so she burst out in a prolonged laughter. Her mouth was so wide-open that you could think dust might enter her lungs. She ran away towards a group of other girls, to share that experience. That’s how the friendship between Nyamishana and Kay began. *** Well, well, that was just a jaribu (tasting) picked from the unputdownable novel ‘TEARS OF MY MOTHER’ popularly known as #Nyamishana by ROBERT BAKE TUMUHAISE. A copy goes for Shs 20,000, but today he’s giving out 2 copies at the price of one so that you can bless a friend with this amazing inspirational book. Call Bake on 0704666851 / 0712868424 or Winnie on 0774107287 to have your copy delivered if you are in Kampala. You can also find us at MM Plaza T33 and get your copies. Stay inspired.
Posted on: Wed, 12 Nov 2014 13:42:45 +0000
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