Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, the rest of the photos. I wanted to document this particular point in my journey, and after documenting it, I couldnt be more proud of the result, so I am choosing to share it. I am proud of how far I have come. I am proud of making it through something that I never would have thought I could have made it through before. I am proud of my scars. My scars mean that my cancer is gone. Despite that, I know that not everyone who sees this will have the appreciation for it that I had hoped for. I do have to say that I truly hope that no one finds any reason to be offended by these images, or to think that images of my scars are in some ridiculous way “inappropriate”. If you fall into that category, then just do both of us a favor and please don’t look… it will save a lot of negative energy. But again, if you want to see what I am so proud of, feel free to take a look and if you still don’t “get it”, let me know and I will try to explain it to you in greater detail if you’d like more insight. If you do “get it”, feel free to share this post all you’d like if you think it might make any bit of positive impact at all. Ultimately, that is why I’m choosing to share it with all of you. I think there is more positivity to be gained from this than any potential negativity that may surface here and there. Beyond being proud of these images, I now feel that I have a responsibility to share them. And here’s why: 1) To raise awareness: For those of you who know me, youve already heard this, but I’m going to revisit a few important facts that some find surprising. I was diagnosed at 29 years old. I have no risk factors for breast cancer. There is practically no history of cancer in my family. I tested negative for all known genes that might have caused breast cancer. I found my tumor by accident. Sound scary? Or even better... do the actual images of my scar scare you? Thats fine... in fact, good. If my story or my photos can scare you into realizing that this can happen to anyone, including you, then I will consider my mission accomplished. Thats not to say that you should walk around in constant fear, but you should take care of your body. You should know your normal, pay attention to your body. You should be properly screened. If I can motivate you to do that, then I’ll be happy. 2) To encourage and educate: I know that when I was facing my mastectomy, I was terrified about how my chest might look after surgery. I had all kinds of ideas of how scary it might be, and the end result was far from what my fear and worry had drawn up in my brain. Of course it is strange to look so different now, but I can honestly say that I am not uncomfortable with the way that I look after losing a breast. I look at my half flattened chest as a reminder of all that I’ve made it through since November. I may not look this way forever… I may choose to get reconstruction… but for now, my lopsided appearance reminds me of how far I’ve come, and I can’t help but feel a little proud of all of that. I feel like it is my job to put those feelings out there so that others might know that it won’t be as bad as you think it will be. Unfortunately, I’ve learned of several other women’s diagnoses since my own, and it is with them in mind that I also share these photos. I want them (and anyone else who might be faced with the same or similar obstacle) to see that it isn’t as scary as you might have thought. Or, even if it still is scary to see the images of my scars, at least they can see an example of what their end result might be. Everyone is different, but it helps to visualize what your body might look like in the end when you’re faced with the prospect of potentially losing a part of that body. 3) To promote acceptance: After going through what Ive been through, I feel SO strongly that it is important for all of us to be exposed to people who look different. I walk around with no hair and one boob every day because Im comfortable that way. It makes me sad to think that other people who have been in my shoes have maybe felt the need to hide their new appearance for the sake of those around them. Maybe if you look at these images, then the next time you see a bald person, or a person who has obviously undergone some sort of body altering medical procedure, instead of staring or looking shocked, youll smile warmly as if to say, I get it. I think I have an idea of what you might be going through, because this isnt the first time Ive seen someone who looks like you. or maybe, if nothing else, smile warmly as if to say, Its okay.. Maybe someday, cancer patients wont walk around looking at empty stares, but instead, maybe theyll be greeted with smiles and understanding, or even greeted with a question about their treatment, or a word of encouragement. I can tell you from my experience that I would so much rather have the people who stared at me say what is on their mind and ask me if I have cancer. It made me feel like wearing a t-shirt that said, Yes, I have cancer. Feel free to ask questions! Along the same lines, I would also hope that images of me, as is, could help to promote acceptance of all different kinds of bodies, not just the post-surgical bodies of cancer patients. And in fact, more than anything, I would also hope that images like this could help to promote everyone’s acceptance of their own body for what it is and where it is. Sure, we can all improve something, but that doesn’t mean we have to hate the body that we live in right at this very moment. Just because you want to work on your home and spend weekends painting walls, building decks, laying patios, landscaping, gardening, etc… doesn’t mean that you hate your home for what it is now. It just means that you want to improve it. Well, the same should be true of our bodies. Last year (2013), I had happily donned a bikini for the first time in many years after a lot of hard work and nearly a 25-30 pound weight loss. I slacked off a bit during the fall, put back on a few pounds, and then found out that I had cancer. During my treatment, my body was basically forced into menopause, my metabolism came to a screeching halt, I had no energy to exercise, and everyone kept telling me “just eat whatever you can, whatever tastes good to you”… which was, apparently, everything. Long story short… I gained a lot of weight. At the time of these photos I weighed more than I had ever weighed in my entire life and was looking at a three digit number on the scale that began with a 2 for the first time ever. I didn’t feel “pretty”. In fact, I felt pretty crappy… and I almost backed out of having these photos taken because of that fact. But I am so glad that I didnt. I mean, let’s face it... Megan Vandort Photography did an amazing job, so that clearly helps me to be thankful that I didn’t back out! But also, I let these photos become something scary in the days leading up to our photo shoot, and now that they are over, I feel like I conquered a major fear and now I wonder why I ever thought it was so scary in the first place. I love the photos. And the photos make me realize that I don’t have to hate how I look. I love how I look in them. Sure I could be skinnier, sure I could be less pale, sure I could have more hair, less scars, and my arms could be less tyrannosaurus-esque… but all of those “could-be’s” are physical, shallow things… what makes me love these photos is that I look confident, and I look happy. Let’s stop looking back at our lives in photos and judging a particular time frame by how we physically looked in those photos. We should be looking back on photos from our past and loving the ones where we look the happiest, not necessarily the skinniest. I think that too many of us live in constant fear of how we look. We need to learn to accept and love ourselves and our own bodies no matter what shape we’re in at any particular time. We only get one body, and we only get one life. We need to stop spending that one life hating ourselves and the only body that we will ever get a chance to live in. Now, don’t get me wrong… we could all focus more on being healthy, being in shape, and certainly taking care of ourselves. I’m just now at a point in my treatment where I can start working on getting back to where I was before. But this experience, and these photos, have taught me a very important lesson; that although I may not look exactly the way I want to right now because of weight gain, hair loss, a missing breast, and lots of scars, I can still find a way to be confident, to love myself and be happy with myself for where I am right now. I can still find my body to be beautiful and I can still love it, even though I would like to work on improving it. I just hope that photos like this can show others that it is possible for them to do the same. Try loving yourself and appreciating your body for what it is... like, for what it is right NOW. Not what it will be in a year after youre done starving yourself and spending every last second of your free time in a gym. Stop punishing yourself. Give yourself permission, and find a reason to love yourself for who you are, what you are, where you are, how you are, and why you are RIGHT NOW. I promise you there are reasons, you just have to allow yourself to find them. As for me, my body is nowhere near where I want it to be right now, but right now is the right time for me to use myself as a way to promote cancer awareness among all of you lovely facebook friends of mine (especially among all of my invincibly young friends and loved ones). Cancer showed up in my life… it happened to me and I sure didn’t think that it could. When I was first diagnosed, I was talking to one of my best friends, and fellow cancer survivor herself, the beautiful Hannah Greening, and she said something to me that I will never forget. She said that she wished someone would put out a public service announcement regarding cancer that simply stated, “You are not exempt”. Sure, it sounds brutal, but I feel exactly the same way now. Cancer doesn’t care who you are, how old you are, where you’re from, or what you’ve got planned for your live. You are not exempt. Your body is not exempt. Treat it with respect, pay attention to it. Determine your risk factors. Know your “normal”. Get properly screened. Don’t hesitate to have something odd checked out, and most of all, be your own advocate. Don’t live in fear of cancer, but live realistically. Don’t be naïve. And while you’re living with the realistic knowledge of the fact that you are not exempt, maybe you can start to see what an amazing gift each and every day is. And after that, maybe you’ll also be able to realize what an amazing gift YOU and all of the people around you are. And that, my friends, is right about where I am these days. I care about you all, and that is why I am sharing this with you. There has never been a time in my life where I have ever felt more strongly convicted to share a message with my little corner of the world than I do right now. Like Ferris Bueller said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once and a while, you could miss it.” I spent a lot of my life being unhappy with myself because of one aspect or another of my body image. I compared myself to other people all the time. I wasted a lot of time focused on looking at my body in a negative way. I should have stopped to look around more often and realize how good I had it, and I missed that opportunity because I was never satisfied with myself the way that I was. Even in my senior year of high school, when I pulled on a pair of size 2 jeans, the smallest I had ever worn, I can distinctly remember looking at my hips and thinking I had a muffin top. Yeah… I make me sick too. Don’t be like me. Don’t wait until something dramatic happens in your life to finally stop hating yourself. Just stop now. Accept yourself for how you are right now, and if you think you need to work on something, develop a plan for improvement. Don’t make it a punishment for all of your prior screw-ups. We can all find SOME reason to be less negative about our bodies and to love ourselves a little more. Some of our bodies might allow us to climb mountains, some of our bodies just allow us to get from point A to point B… but even if it is just the very most basic thing, we all have something we can be thankful for and some reason why we can love our bodies a little more than we thought we did. My reason for loving my body slapped me in the face and became pretty obvious recently… my body is currently kicking cancers ass. How could I not love it for that?
Posted on: Thu, 10 Jul 2014 04:01:28 +0000
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