Last night we went to an annual Christmas party our friend hosts every year. It was nice getting out but the dread that is associated with the thought of going can be crushing. Welcome AGAIN to the world of Sybil! We were blessed to see so many friends that we really haven’t seen in a long time. Thank you to any of you who were there last night and may be reading this, for your love, support and patience as I talked about the accident and Corrie. I know it made some uncomfortable, but just hang in there with us please. There is one other thing I really feel compelled to address. I am not doing this out of anger or frustration, I am doing it with the hope that it will help others if this comes up in their grief journey (I hate that word journey). To any of you who is or will be a friend to broken hearted mommies and daddy’s, please understand we may not or don’t want to put up a tree or decorate. Don’t tell us it will make us feel better, or that it will get us in the “Christmas Spirit”, don’t add to our burden by saying we need to do it for our surviving child or grandchild(ren). You are wrong on all accounts, trust me.. All we really need is a hug and your understanding. I used to love getting up really early in the morning, keep the room lights off and turn on my tree to watch the colored lights twinkle. I remember the Christmas I got engaged. I was living in my first apartment and I would sit there every morning looking at the lights of the tree reflecting in my diamond engagement ring. I remember feeling the joy of being in love, and the excitement of becoming Mrs. Ronald H. Talken (hey I was young what can I say!!). Then when Ronnie and I had our million dollar family, I would sit in the living room, watching the lights and feeling a sense of peace, joy, and sending up my morning thanks and praise to God for blessing us with these two amazing babies. To be quite honest here, back then, most of the time I allowed myself to get so caught up in the rushing around, that short morning prayer would be the only time I would acknowledge God in my life. I have learned with age, even before Corrie’s death, that God loves to hear from us even if it is only a few minutes a day, that I truly believe. Later, when the kids got older and left the house, I would put up the tree which got smaller and smaller in size but not in lights. I continued my early morning ritual of watching the lights. I remember sitting with a cup of coffee wondering when and how time went by so fast. How did the feet pajama squeals on Christmas turn into size 14 shoes and glitter high heels coming in asking what time are we eating? Through all the years, the tree lights for me always held the magic of Christmas, twinkling with the excitement of family coming together, blinking with the promise of the future. So for us right now we don’t have the strength emotionally or physically to deal with the memories of our family past. One big reason I don’t want to put up a tree is if I decide next year to put one up, I don’t want the magic of the lights to carry the memory of sadness and death. So my wonderful friends, please know we appreciate your offers to come over and put up our tree for us, what we really need is you to accept we can’t handle seeing a tree this year. We need you to understand that we can’t look at Christmas this year with the same blessing you can, we don’t feel the joy and excitement because we don’t have our whole family with us anymore. We are trying to find new traditions which will include memories of our Corrie, but right now our pain is still to raw. Hopefully, one day the joy of the Christmas tree lights will bring new wonderful memories, because believe me when I tell you that every one of us want the joy back more than anything. I am worried about my Ronnie. He seems to more quiet than usual at times. I know what he’s feeling. I did ask him on the way home last night if he was ok about not decorating or putting up a tree and he said he was. He also said he didn’t want the two of us to exchange gifts this year. It was then that my heart was pieced with another Corrie memory. She would always badger her daddy about how he needed to get me a gift until he would give her the cash to get it for him, along with a card. She would always pick out the most beautiful cards for me from Ronnie because our baby girl always had a poet’s soul. She would wrap the presents (pocket any cash left over!!) and then tease him in front of me before I opened it asking him where he got the gift from or what the card said. He’d always say “Dang it Pooks” and she would just laugh. Maybe without a tree and presents the memories won’t hit us so hard….we can only hope and pray right? Hope, that is what Christmas is truly about. The hope of our salvation was born. Hope. Romans 15:13 - May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. My challenge today is to go out and take the time to find or even make your own card for each of your million dollar family members. Tell them in words how you feel about each of them. I know many families aren’t comfortable expressing their feelings in words, but I have to be brutal here and ask all of you not wanting to try this: what would you do if December 26th turns out to be your July 5th? Do it while you can - I promise each time you buy another card it gets easier. God bless, LET GO LET GOD, Dimes, pink skies & stars, mismatched socks, magic rocks. lost crock pots, wet puppy dog smells, quiet time, holding hands, I LOVE YOU’s, 3 kisses, summer rains, strong daddies, HOPE, PB&J sandwiches, two handed hugs, double rainbows, wax paper art, Angel feathers, snorts of laughter, FAITH, FORGIVENESS, Butterfly kisses and Unicorns.
Posted on: Sat, 13 Dec 2014 17:13:33 +0000
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