Lately Ive been in this weird place internally. I can feel parts of myself falling away and new parts emerging. An intersection of old and new. An embarrassing meeting of the two. My old self and my true Self. The creating of a new foundation and demolition of the old? An addition to the old foundation? Or perhaps a demolishing of any idea of foundation and just having pure awareness as the base of every experience is ideal. I can feel the pressure and pain of letting go of old treaded habits and paths. Turning away from illusions I thought were real, everyday, and embracing truth as it is revealed to me, everday. My ego self is trying desperately to hold on. Its difficult, firstly because of my egos firm grip and unquenchable desire for repittion and comfortability, to have me thinking I know and keeping me from really Knowing. Fooling me into thinking Ive outstepped it, only to really be under its influence under its foot dressed in shiny new shoes. And secondly because of the unknown factors. Who will I become? Can I overcome? Is this right? Am I headed in the right direction? Have I missed something? Am I strong enough to move ahead as I need to? Am I ready? Is it me whos fooled or everyone else?Endless questions and whisperings of doubt, all of which can be traced back to that tricky ego. Its as if i was getting close to the peak, near the exit, approaching the goal, only to hit a wall, climbing a plateau, almost losing ground!? But then thats a trick too. As if there is an end place. Another projection of ego. Controlling me even in my pursuit to seperate from it. Has me running on a loop I thought Id taken the exit on. So what to do? How to progress? I suppose firstly sitting with this. Sitting in it and exploring it. Much like Im doing now. Already I feel lighter. This conversation with myself is aleady helping. But even more sitting with it. Meditating on it. Being. Simply being and Connecting--Reconnecting more so. Going back inside. Lately Ive been very much external. Much less mindful. Ive been slipping away from my Self-my true Being, the witness, and back into myself, this ego controlled body. I need to practice doing as well as Being. Doing while Being. Now that Im aware of this. Not that I wasnt before, but in a different capacity. Too in it to truly notice, in the same way many of us feel seprate from the Universe even though you are part of it, you are the Universe, youre just too in it to notice. But now that Ive become more aware of it, now that Ive stepped out of it and gotten a birds eye view, now that i am aware enough to give attention to it, I can begin healing and growing and doing what must be done. Which is nothing. Just be Jesse. Just be and Know and Do what you Know. I know truth. I forget. Ive just been too caught up in the illusions lately to adhere to it. Stepping back. Slowing down. No more running for a while. Participating with God, with the Universe, with my Self, not participating with my ego. Not following it. Not fighting it. Just being aware that its there and taking away its power. Well, now thats a start. Here i am.
Posted on: Wed, 21 Jan 2015 04:01:30 +0000
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