Letting Go of Love Have you been dumped, betrayed or left so heartbroken that you didnt ever want to love again? Are you still stuck on an ex and dont know how to move on? And how do you know when its time to let go and look for love somewhere else? If youre the other woman whos waiting for a man to leave his lover, dont waste your time. If hell do it with you, hell do it to you, Dr. Phil says. The man you want lacks integrity and cant make a commitment. Are your standards too low? Dr. Phil asks a guest whos waiting around for a man thats let her down time and again: What is it about you that causes you to settle for somebody that you know will cheat on you, know will lie to you, know will make a commitment and then break it? What is it about you that you believe about yourself that youre willing to settle for that? Recognize that youre settling and that you deserve more. Set a higher standard for yourself. Does he really even make you happy? Be honest with yourself about the extent to which hes really meeting your needs. Chances are youre longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish he was. Dr. Phil reminds a guest: There are times when you break up with somebody and you start missing them and you start thinking about all the good things. And then youre back with them for about 10 minutes and you go Oh yeah! Now I remember why I hate you! Dont kid yourself about what it was really like or glorify the past. Dont wait around because you think hes going to change. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so the chance that hes going to ride in on his white horse and do the right thing is pretty slim. Dr. Phil explains, To the extent that theres some history, you dont have to speculate, you just have to measure. Dont put your life on hold. Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute thats holding you back from a better future. Dr. Phil tells his guest, As long you are obsessed on this guy, you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one. Set some goals and start putting your life back together. Ask yourself: Are you hiding in the relationship so you dont have to face the reality of being on your own? Dont stay with someone because its comfortable and safe. It may seem more secure, but its not healthy for you and it certainly wont help you get to a better place. Why would you want to settle and waste your life away just to avoid getting back in the game? Be clear with him. Youve got to say not just no, but hell no, Dr. Phil tells his guest. Get out of my life. Stay away from me. Dont call me. If you live together, its time to move out, or you may need to change your phone number. Dr. Phil reiterates: Do what you have to do. If the circumstances are more complicated or severe, you may need to get a lawyer in order to get child support or to hold him accountable for any other outstanding issues. Dont hold all men responsible for the mistake your ex made. Why should he pay for the sins of someone else who may have wronged you? Learn to trust again — by trusting yourself. Dr. Phil tells a man whos having a hard time letting women back into his life: Trust is not about how much you trust one person or another to do right or wrong. How much you trust another person is a function of how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections. Have enough faith in yourself to be able to put yourself on the line with someone, without any guarantee of what will happen next. If youre playing the game with sweaty palms, its because youre afraid of what you can or cant do, or dealing with your own imperfections — its not about the other person. Know that you will get hurt if youre in a relationship. There is no perfect person without flaws. Even a well-intended guy is going to hurt his partner. Hes going to hurt your feelings. Hes going to say things that you dont want him to say. Hes going to do things you wish he wouldnt do and not do things you wish he would do. A relationship is an imperfect union between two willing spirits who say, Id rather be in a relationship and share my life, share my joys, share my fun, share my activities, share my life than do it alone. If you want to be in a relationship, know that getting hurt comes with the territory. You just have to decide that you are durable enough, that you have enough confidence in yourself that you can handle it. Dont invest more than you can afford to lose. While its important to move forward, you need to take things one step at a time. Dont put so much out there that youll be emotionally bankrupt if things go south. Dont beat yourself up. You got through your last experience, youve learned from it, and now its time to move forward. Dr. Phil tells his guest, Youll move on and be a champion in your next endeavor as you did in your past ... Life is not a success-only journey. You are going to get beat up along the way. Focus on yourself. All of us come into relationships with baggage, but you need to have closure on past experiences before you can start a new relationship with the odds in your favor. Dr. Phil tells a guest whos had trouble with her father, her brother and two previous husbands: Unless and until youve figured out everything youve got to figure out about that and you get closure, you will never come into a relationship with a fresh and clean heart and mind and expectancy and attitude. Youre probably not ready to get into another relationship until you heal the wounds of your past. Listen to what hes saying. If hes telling you that you want different things out of life and theres no way you can work as a couple, dont turn his words around into what you want to hear. Hes being quite clear. Know the statistics. Dr. Phil tells a guest whos waiting for her ex to come around: Theres a 50/50 chance a marriage is going to work if both people are head over heels in love, passionate and willing to climb the mountain, swim the river and slay the dragon to get to each other. Thats with everybody crazy in love and running toward each other in that field that we see in the commercials. The problem youve got here is hes running the other way in the field! So if its 50/50 when youre running toward each other, what do you think it is when the other person is running out of the field and hiding in the woods?
Posted on: Fri, 29 Nov 2013 05:55:04 +0000
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