Like everyone I am sure, I was taken by surprise and sadness yesterday upon hearing about Robin Williams. I had always been a fan of his ability to make people laugh, his committment to helping so many charities on his own time, even out of the cameras eye. His continual battle against demons that he was candid about were a constant reminder to all of us that sometimes all that glitters is not pure gold beneath the surface. I was not surprised at feeling sad and a sense of loss, even though I dont know the man personally, his family, or even a list of his most recent projects. HIs was a gift of laughter, dry wit and sarcasm, and the ability to look at ones own problems and weakness. Personally and society as a whole. When I heard suicide I was not shocked either, as his lifelong battles with severe ups and downs were always public. Just watching him at any given moment and you could tell the man was ALWAYS ON. And when you are constantly flying that high as your status quo, there is bound to come the time for a horrendous crash when your tank runs dry and you can no longer find a draft to lift up your falling wings. But when I listened today to the sheriffs press conference, as they proceeded to give out TOO much detail of the mans last hours, I was horrified at the way he took his life and the thought process that must have been going through his mind all the way to the end. Suicides are not uncommon these days. Actually we hear so much more about them due to social media, 24 hour news network, and societys insatiable appetitie for the macbre and horrorific. Even more so when a celebrity is involved, because its become the great American pastime to see how far we can tear someone down, after years of building them up to some unattainable stature. I cant lie and say I have not had my share of rough, impossible feeling days. Days where all I want is a moment of no pain, no weight on my chest, no fever, no sweats, no stomach in knots or needles, etc. Ive had those eyes that only see the darkness all around and think the light and reason for one more try is just too far out of reach or focus to shine back on me. Ive had days of wouldnt it just be better?, isnt this all just futile and delaying the inevitable and unstoppable? I have my share of demons I tangled with in my life as well. During those times I felt justified in my self destruction, only to grow older and wiser and find to many thoughts drifting to regret of choices and valuable time wasted that never can be regained. Emotionally in my life, I have run the gambit of what our mind and spirit can go through, and in many cases take. So while there are 100s of differences between a man like Mr Williams and me, that conflict and self doubt is one we both can share. And I am sure so many more out there can understand or know someone as well. While I have faced those darkend days, ups and downs that make even the wildest coaster seem like a Sunday drive, Ive never seen my answer at the end of a rope, or a bottle of pills, or swallowing the barrel of a gun. I cant say there were not a million or so times in the last 5 years that I wondered why and begged for a break, hoped for some peace..., But ending it all, especially by my hand, just never crossed my mind. I dont think I am anything special on strength or character that keeps me on this side of the abyss, its just the more of my freedom of my life that is taken away, the more I realize how wonderful of a gift it truly is. I am not cowardice because I couldnt suck it up one day and end my own suffering, I think Im lucky enough to scrounge up just enough courage to realize that isnt an option and would be spitting in the face of all creation to just toss in the towel at my weakest point. I could never betray or abandon my Kate by my own choice, and would never leave my Boobas life without kicking and screaming. While this life has gotten harder, so much harder than I ever thought I would be able to endure, its still life. I can still catch the sunrise in my home, surrounded by those most dear to me. And I can still find hundreds of reasons that I am thankful for hanging in there, when looking up at the moon before bed each night. Suffocation, infection, deep pain into your bones, its a crappy way to pass each day. I would not wish it on my worst enemy, or on those that irritate the hell out of me by not taking advantage of all they have. It sucks because its an illness and defect that reminds you each moment, of every minute, of every hour, of every day, etc, etc. You never stop to rest from breathing, but yet I dream of being able to do just that. And you can only take so many pills, shots, pokes, prods, etc to try and numb what hurts even if just for a second, so you can get some decent sleep. So I can understand summing up ones life and weighing the pros and the cons of pushing on. I can understand a mind pushed to the edge, hopeless, and finding solace in the absolution of it all. I can imagine to him those last moments were horrific and hopeful at the same time. Each step he prepared, knowing the purpose for that knot or position, made him think of all the mistakes in his life, and rationing relieved him that they would be over soon.At each moment he tried to ask himself, his creator, the universe to find an answer to make him stop all this now, but he could no longer hear those voices far off in the distance calling him back. Im sure guilt told him it was wrong, and he had a last arguement of redemption and hope, but in that dark place it just takes a second to lose hope for the light to ever find you again. Your mind wanders too far off the path and you are all alone with no place to go and no one to save you. It isnt too hard to imagine. I cant honestly say I have or have not ever been depressed. Dealing with this crap for as long as I have and watching myself slip away with the pages of the calendar, Id be a pompous liar to say it hasnt effected me and my personality. I try not to dwell on it, and we dont talk about health around the house unless it is neccessary. More times its me asking about my Kate and Booba and how they are with a sniffly nose or cough, etc. I try to avoid the constant how are you feeling, and dont do too much, just rest. Even with trying to maintain a big picture, enjoy the small things mentality, no one can be impervious to what amounts to a ticking time bomb inside you, or for that matter, a variety of ticking time bombs. So I am sure this is the reason I no longer pursue my dream of line dancing, or to be the winner in one of those pulling semi trucks with chains in your teeth contest, or even why I kept turning down the constant hounding to be on the bachelor all those years....when your down, you lose the ability to enjoy your ..ahem..normal routine. All kidding aside, depression in its many forms and scales can be a nightmare you never can find the right alarm to wake you up from. Trapped in your own emotions long before every medication puts you there. And massive anxiety is its loose cousin they dont like to talk about....throwing itself around on everything that comes to your mind. I know in the last year or so Ive had my share or two with that floozy, and learning ways to keep it out of my head. Thats a combination that doesnt mix well..anxiety and difficulty breathing. You can imagine how quickly one episode could spiral the other out of control and pretty soon you wouldnt know which started what and the only thing that will stop it is .....insert poison of choice to end or medicate! We all can say what we would or wouldnt do in this situation or that, and all of that is fine in the safety of our lives as they are. Hopefully we never find ourselves down in that abyss without a helping hand up and out. The pity and shame of it all was that a bright light on the human race was extinguished yesterday. That it was his own hands that did so only makes the emptiness so much colder. Our world, especially these days, needs as much laughter and humility as we can take, and many times its a hard commodity to find. Losing a man who could turn smiles and personas out like clockwork, leaves the world wanting to turn back time.
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 00:10:53 +0000
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