MAKING ALLOWANCES FOR THE IMPERFECTIONS Contradictions can sap precious psychic and physical energy from us. Our actions are often in opposition to some of our most cherished beliefs of who we are. The cognitive dissonance between the evidence and our beliefs cries out from the underworld of our mind to be resolved. The answer to this problem would be quite simple if our lives were played out in a clear and concise way in the arena of consciousness. Our underlying beliefs and the true motivation behind our actions often lay hidden from what we consciously accept and know about ourselves. Life is not easily understood. The contradictions are not always consciously detected and we are left bewildered by the frustrations and discomfort stemming from our idea of what we believe life should be like and the reality of the life we experience. The ideal self which we cling to will not always be in perfect alignment with who we genuinely are. Our intimate relationships will not always measure up to our idealistic hopes of how these relationships should be. Being able to hold these contradictory elements of real life in our awareness without feeling overwhelming by the accompanying vulnerabilities can be a challenge for all of us. We can behave in ways which are not in complete alliance with the things which we profess to value and still not be a “terrible” person. Being aware of the difference without undue self-condemnations allows us to address the difference and narrow the gulf between the two. It allows us to move closer to that ideal self we yearn to be. Even in the most intimate relationships there will be times when we will irritate our partners, or we may feel irritated by something our partners has done or not done. If our beliefs in how a relationship “should” be does not make room for this inevitable given of human interaction, we are going to struggle with the reality of our relationships. There is nothing inherently wrong with the relationship because we have a momentary adverse reaction to something our partner does or neglects to do. Yet if we believe that we are to never experience any uncomfortable feeling in the course of the relationship, when we do experience them, we will immediately begin to lay blame on our partners for triggering the unwarranted discomforting emotions. Without careful scrutiny of the discomfort, we will often be driven to fix problems which may not even exist, or fixate on some of the unfixable personality conflicts which are inevitable to all relationships. By feeling there is a need for unfixable issues and conflicts to be resolved, we begin to travel down the road of frustration, anger, contempt, and eventually vindictiveness. This self-righteousness path allows us to pity ourselves as a victim to the unwarranted differences and we quickly begin to vilify all our partner. Once we begin down this path of preconceived ideas of who are partner is, our ability to accurately assess the relationship quickly diminishes. Neutral acts and comments by our partner take on a negative context, even positive behaviors and words can easily be twisted to be seen through an hidden sinister motive which may better fits our contemptuous negative image we hold of him/her. When even the positive is seen as negative, the relationship is dead and few relationships will be able to survive this deep destructive pattern of interaction. Making allowance in our relationships for the imperfections, and the occasional discomfort, will allow us to see the relationship through a clearer lens. The feelings which are triggered can be seen for what they are, a mixture between the outside world and our inner beliefs of how things should be. The more we become aware of our unrealistic expectations, the more we will be able to differentiate between the natural issues which two different people will routinely encounter. With patience and compassion these differences can be carefully and thoughtfully addressed and accepted. ~Troy Murphy
Posted on: Tue, 07 Oct 2014 00:18:03 +0000
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