My dear son, it was an absolutely beautiful day to celebrate you. I hope you were looking down on all of us seeing how loved you truly are. So many people have been absolutely amazing and helped to make your day better then I ever could have alone. I am not sure how I could ever thank them all enough. Today everyone is gone, and there are no more preparations to keep me busy. There is nothing left to mask the pain, today is overwhelmingly painful. I dont know if this will ever feel real to me. I keep waiting to hear your ringtone on my phone Ma, mama, mom, it is so you. I look at all your pictures and see your smile and am so sad to know I have to accept that no matter what you, myself or anyone shows to the world no one truly knows what is really being felt on the inside. I am so very sorry my son. So sorry that I was unable to take away your sadness, so very sorry that I didnt keep you in my bubble and safe. Sorry for just so many things. I have been told many times in the past couple of weeks that I am so strong. But, the truth is I just keep my pain for my own time. It is not in me to show those emotions to the world (apparently except for everyone on Facebook, you can laugh at me now). I am shattered and would rather crawl into a ball in the corner and let the pain and tears consume me. But, the responsible, realistic and strong side of me knows I need to keep moving forward. I am mourning you my son, my way, it is the only way I will ever even begin to survive this. I am still having trouble believing that this is it. That you are just gone, just like that; never again to argue with me, challenge me, hug me, call me Ma, tell me you love me. I will absolutely never be the same again, I will never be completely whole again. Life is going to keep on moving, and I will step back into it. Everyone who loves you will be learning to live without you and pray our pain will not always be so consuming. Its you my son, that I pray are no longer hurting. Its you my son that I pray have finally found your peace and happiness. It is you my son that I pray are finally free from all of the negative that consumed your life. I will never stop missing you and I will never stop aching to see your smiling face. I love you my son.......I love you!
Posted on: Mon, 04 Aug 2014 12:26:51 +0000
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