My father just said something that really touched my heart.... I didnt have the words to say thank you or tell him how much it touched my heart though. He said ... if this nursing thing doesnt work out E Id go to Hollywood if I were you because I know youd be a Great actress. .......he said that out of the blue in the middle of a conversation about something else. I had no words. Its hard to explain how you feel when someone thinks youd be wonderful at something that you love and hold like a treasure in your heart. Something you have always loved to do and always feel you need to do somewhere sometime.. or sneak away to do because of love for it. See Ive had stage fright (for performance arts not speaking in public etc) since I was about 11yrs old and I hate it so much. It keeps me from doing things I did as a kid.. dreams I had then, and the most fun things and great memories I had then...and the most fun kinds of people. You need to be a little crazy to want to be in performing arts like acting or singing.. but when you find others who are as crazy as you it touches you and you never forget it. I met a woman today that I had to interview who spent her life in theatre and I so pined for that life that she lived. I dont think she really understood how lucky she was. How blessed. 3 things pull at me most in life. 1 is making sure Im living my best for God.. then, Singing is a must for me and so is acting. Thats just how it always has been. But can I do it for my family? Or do it for anything? Not with the stage fright. I look back on how I was before stage fright and I long to be that way again. I had no idea how valuable that courage was or what I could have done with it to allow my soul to live.. I wish people I loved could know how important those things are to me and how HUGE a part of my life and heart and soul they are. Yet, how can I show them that when I cant get the courage to do these things in front of them? They barely know anything about it. My father saw me act a few times when I was younger and Id beg him to give me a challenge or verse or paragraph out of a book or play etc... those were moments of courage and I remember those moments :) They were a long time ago but apparently he still remembers. And he also sees how I dig inside a movie and crawl inside the screen every single time we watch one. ;) For some this may seem a silly post. But honestly if it were just a silly thought I would not have written about it..... I just wish for courage. I want to be able to be ME and do the things I need to do without any fear. If you are one of those people who CAN sing or act and not have fear or overcome your fear enough to just DO IT? Then count that as a miracle/blessing because once you have that sort of longing in your blood it never goes away.. and not being able to reach it is very very hard to deal with in life. (Maybe you are born with it? But imagine not being able to do what you love like you do...) I liken it to a love and passion for painting.. but all you can do is paint alone in secret and never show anyone your work, go to galleries, or paint with anyone etc. etc. But I know one day I will even if I end up 87 and in a local community theatre I WILL one day have the courage and kill the stage fright forever.. lol..because I HAVE to and I cant keep putting it off. Life isnt that long.. we have to live now. Even if we think our own dreams are silly according to what the world says. -----Its just the fact that my father said that when he isnt the type to say things like that really really touched my heart. The little girl in me, ~ the real me inside ~ really smiled.
Posted on: Wed, 03 Sep 2014 03:17:30 +0000