My first memory of my dad is of him beating my mom into a bloody pulp in front of me. It was so painful, I blocked the memory until I was 12 years old and it came back with a vengeance. Through my teenage years, there were too many physical, emotional, and psychological confrontations between my dad and me. It has touched my life in all aspects including the fact that I love children and would do anything to protect them yet I dont trust anyone to get close to my heart. It also caused years of depression which I am still fighting. For years, I couldnt call God Father without getting angry or bitter. I went through a time where I could only call God Mother or some third person impersonal term. I was also taught as a child that blacks didnt go around telling the business or going to counselors: that was something white people did. It wasnt until my late twenties that a pastor friend of mine sent me to a counselor. My pain was buried so deep, when she brought up my dad, I would make a joke and change the subject-- all of which I did subconsciously. She was very patient and taught me that it was okay to be angry, it was okay to feel. She told me to write. My writing became a fan fiction story. I posted it online. I have received numerous responses about that story. My dad died 7 years ago. I was 36 years old. At the age of 40, I began to forgive him. There are times the nightmares and the anger comes back as blocked memories dance in the shadows of my mind. But God is giving me the Grace to get through this. I can now call God Father.
Posted on: Fri, 22 Aug 2014 23:34:07 +0000