My parting thoughts - see you all on the other side - thanks for your support - goodby. Here I lay in the dark silence Not being able to sleep As the pain in my stomach Feels like a knife is tearing me in two I dont know what I can do Im all alone to suffer this endure I keep thinking of times gone by And wish somehow this is a bad dream May I wake to find - It is all in my head Like so many have said Then I pinch myself and Know this hell is all to real I miss my kids I miss holding her close I miss the few good memories I wonder if ill ever feel human touch like that again O how I wish to turn the clock back... I wish to be held I wish to hold I wish to hear my kids playing I wish this pain to end I wish my life I live of hell no more I have often wondered... Why from a small boy I was never wanted for me... Why my life has been mostly alone Why my life has been one heartache after another. Why ive never been wanted for me... Why ive been forced to live a life I would not have wished on my worst enemy... Why im not allowed to be left alone to live and let live... I often times wonder what I could have done at such a young age to deserve the hell I have had to live with my whole life... I must have been a very bad person right from the beginning for God to give me a life of heartache, lonelyness and now termendous unspeakable physical pain... Why Does God hate me this much to not let me just die and end this hell and pain? All I ever wanted from the very first time I can remember is to be wanted: For my parents to want me for me... I was never good enough, smart enough, or anything else enough. I wasnt a girl and that mad them hate me all along... I will never forget my dad telling me he wished I was never born. Holidays would come in the system- I would be the only kid left without someone for a pass. Many a time did I watch the other kids go with family and many a time did I just wish for once I had one of my own. My aunts uncles and other relatives I was always just an obligation. Never was I wanted for being just me, unique and special as that might be. I was always an outsider that they wish would just stop messing up their plans. To this day they all act as though I had some kind of contagious disorder. Even at my moms and my grandpas furnal I was an obligatory presence - not an actual part of the family. A black sheep that the whole family wishes was dead and gone, from the time I was born. As I grew older and learned how to survive without a family, I tried to adopt a family many times and always I was an outsider - and no matter how hard they tried to convince me - I never felt like I was not in the way or a problem. Then I had a family of my own, and the time I spent with them, are the happiest memories I have. And all that was taken from us and now I am again borrowing family and it cant fill the void. No fault of theirs - im just a problem and in the way. An outsider I was born and an outsider I will die alone. I do not feel I will ever have the chance to be happy again. People hate me for not giving in to people and just letting them walk all over me. People write nasty crap on the internet - made up with no facts to back it up - to get even with me for whatever perceived wrong I did. Do they come and try to resolve it? No, instead they feed on each others nonsense attacks on me. Even when I have sat down with some of those who attacked me so nastily online they simply lied right to my face and went right about continuing to attack me online. Even after I walked away from something I invested five months of my working on it. So, I guess as long as I am passsionate about what I think believe and do I will have those who cannot stand that and will attack me, with whatever nonsense they can dig up to stir the pot with. I dont believe that if a persons motives are right they should have a problem sitting down and resolving the issue. But when a person is fueled by hate, greed, or outright deception there is any way to resolve. Negotiations are not just a one way street. . Many people give to see others reactions - many people pray for the seem reasons... when one does not advertise their moral actions - many condem that person... I believe that those who try to say look at me - im praying or those who say you just need to pray more or you just need to help more people. Those kind of comments to me show the persons motives - that the actions from the heart within. If a person chooses to give and to pray in private - to process and honor what they believe in private - this doesnt make them a bad person. Instead I think it is those that condem them for not making a show of it. Deep down if I see a person or a need i have a heart to help. Maybe not in a public manor but often anonymous. In a restaurant anonymously buying that person strugglings meal. Often I have donated my time and skills to help those who cant afford to fix something.... I especially have a heart for single parant families as it brings me joy to see families happy. So next time you criticize a person who does not give or pray or advertise their moral actions - think about it - why do you place yourself above them and look down on how they act on their morals?
Posted on: Wed, 10 Sep 2014 20:56:14 +0000
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