My precious, beloved readers.... I sit here in awe just from saying that. Readers. My readers. You that read what I put on here and then never fail to bring me to tears with each like and beautiful comment you leave. I feel like you all dont realize that every single one of you have it backwards. I am not the one who touches you, it is you that moves me without fail, with every word you send to me. These are just words that I put together. There is no specific special ability, nothing different or unique about it. You are the ones who give my words the meaning. Sometimes I lose the ability to do that and it hurts my heart when my words escape me. Theyre all that I have and right now I feel so broken that they have turned their backs on me. I am teetering right on the brink of speechlessness and that isnt right or acceptable to be unable to perfectly do justice to my family. There is nothing fair about it. Life isnt fair. All I can come up with is the oldest cliche in the book. Lifes not fair. That statement has always been carelesslly and unempathetically tossed around and the only thing that statement is good for is hurting those that I love. Nobody that I love ever deserves to hear that cruel, cold, numbing statement. My daddy, my sister and me have all had a smoking habit or currently has a smoking habit for many, many years. Just us 3. Why thats the case or why its a constantly tormenting battle for us is hard to understand- its not understood at all. And then we have the most loving, caring hearted, gentle soul on this earth who has always been completely selfless in everything she does, who has literally, LITERALLY, saved the lives of certain members in my immediate family, who has never smoked, who has always pleaded with us to stop, receive absolutely the most devestating news today. The horror of this situation keeps me in a constant state of freezing cold chills and unimaginably guilt ridden goosebumps. The sheer weight of this guilt that so heavily burdens me is causing the type of pain that I can tell for sure is going to be with me forever, so I just need to go ahead and make room for it in my heart; it will be my constant companion. Its a cross I will bear completely with acceptance. Bearing this cross will be the most natual thing I will ever do. Im going to go ahead and end this post now because words arent coming easy to me anymore. Quite frankly, I dont think I deserve them right now anyway. They arent healping or healing anyone and Ive already gone on long enough. In closing, I know yall are praying for my family fervently and those words to God are the only oxygen I am receiving. Please dont stop praying for us. Our rock is trying really hard not to to wobble, but what she really needs is the peace that comes from knowing theres a great big mountain that she cant see resting comfortably just below her... from below and within and all around. A great omnipresent, magnificent, majestic mountain. Pray that the mountain lets itself be known in a monumental way. My darling Aunt T. Call her name out to God. Thank you all. My gratitude is endless.
Posted on: Wed, 30 Oct 2013 06:22:20 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015